


Salvation

by the_trixster_and_the_fallen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Bottom Dean Winchester, Bottom!Gabriel, Bottoming, Canon, Canon Compliant, Cute, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Daily Drabble, Destielendgame, Fear, Firsts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay, Gay Male Character, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Dean Winchester, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, NSFW, OC, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Pining, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Power Bottom Dean Winchester, Powerbottom, Sabriel - Freeform, Salvation, Self-Acceptance, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexuality, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Soulmates, Top Castiel, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Top!Castiel, Top!Sam, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, bottom!Dean, mind, nonAU, slowbuild
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-09-05 13:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16811647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_trixster_and_the_fallen/pseuds/the_trixster_and_the_fallen
Summary: Dean Winchester has always had three things on his mind; Sex, Food & Women. But when Sam introduces Dean to an article about innate bisexuality, he begins to question everything he has ever put first. Things begin to fall in to place as he explores his hidden desire for Castiel.Confused and lost in a whirlwind of mixed feelings and struggling acceptance, Dean is uneasily trying to find himself and why Cas is the exception to every sexual urge he has ever had. What makes this angel so different from everything he has ever known?Meanwhile, Sam leaves the two to follow his own path where he meets a beautiful, eccentrically loud and bubbly blonde in a bar that reminds him of a certain Archangel.





	1. Innate Bisexuality

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This inspiration came to me after stumbling across the article about innate bisexuality. Anyway! Have fun, i will be uploading a new chapter once a week on Sunday. Time will vary according to my work schedule. Please note! I am no expert in sexuality or preferences. I did as much research as I could and talked to as many people as I could regarding this so please don't be too harsh. If there is something you find inappropriate or factually incorrect, please let me know! I am still learning and developing as a writer so I always love feedback. I will stop blabbing now and let you get on with it. Thanks!

*Dean's POV* 

It was an unusually quiet afternoon in the bunker. Only Sam and I were home, Cas having ducked out to grab dinner. Regardless, I was snacking. My feet were up on the table, leaning back in my chair as I enjoy the simplicity of the afternoon. No monsters. No demons. Just me and my sandwich. 

“Dean, I read this really fascinating article that one of my old college buddies sent me.” Sam steps into the room, laptop tucked under his arm. Just like that, my alone time was over. 

I knew I was going to be in for a long conversation. I set my sandwich down, dusting my hands off on my jeans as I let out a prolonged sigh. 

“Is this going to have any relevance to me at all Sammy? Perhaps something about food, monsters or a hot chick?” I quip, moving my arms up to rest on the dining room table. He rolls his eyes, settling down on a seat opposing me. I lean back in my chair, stretching out my legs as I gesture for him to get started. 

“According to this theory that Sigmund Freud had, he believed that everyone is born as varying degrees of Bisexual. He calls it innate Bisexuality. He theorized that everyone swings both ways to different extents. So even if you are 99% straight, there may be that one person out there in the world that could change your mind.” 

My interest piqued, sitting up a little straighter. Although this topic was completely out of the blue, I felt like things were gently clicking into place in my mind. I wanted to know more but what if he made fun of me? I gently poke at the theory, hoping he will explain it a little more. 

“And?”  
“Well I thought it was fascinating. Although I don’t believe inherently believe its true on all accounts, I think it is an interesting concept. I think everyone should be able to label themselves as they please.” He responds, a smile on his face. 

That wasn’t what I meant. At all. I knew by all means that if I wanted proper answers I would have to ask, and when was that ever something I would do? I guess I would have to do my own research although I couldn’t use his laptop. It would be much too obvious and he would be able to look up my history. I didn’t know how to wipe it. Perhaps the library would be a better place to- 

“Dean?” My eyes come back into focus, heat rushing to my cheeks as I realize that I had slipped into some kind of theorizing day dream about how to continue learning about this topic. I snort, pretending to be completely disinterested. 

“Psh. So? Unless there is something you want to tell me about yourself.” I tease lightly but he seems frustrated, slamming his laptop lid closed. I was surprised, not expecting this kind of response. 

“Ugh, I should have expected nothing more than this childish response from you Dean. Why is it so hard for you-” He was cut off as the bunker door clicked open, Cas appearing in the doorway with a cluster of bags. 

He eyes us both suspiciously, Sam immediately going quiet and getting up with a huff. He storms off to his room and I meet Cas’ gaze. His head tilts ever so gently to the left as if asking what was wrong and I respond with a soft shrug. He places the plastic bags on the dining table where I was situated, fishing through for my Chinese food. He places it beside me, his face lit up in excitement. “They gave me a bag of fortune cookies for free, would you like one Dean? I am eager to see the kind of prediction these small cookies have to offer me.” 

He takes a seat beside me and while I personally wasn’t a fan of the taste of fortune cookies, I really couldn’t say no to such a pure request. He opens the box, pouring them all over the table. 

“Woah, Cas buddy. You just pick one out of the box. No need to spread them out like that.” I tell him gently, gathering up the scattered moon shaped biscuits and drops them back into the box. 

“But how can I be sure that picking one from the top will give me an accurate reading, Dean?” He asks and I couldn’t but smile at how cute that sounded. 

I felt my heart flutter a little as I recall Sam's words from earlier, there could be that one person who could change your mind. I clear my throat a little, my eyebrows knitting together in a frown. 

It's nothing more than a marketing ploy.” I tell him, shaking my head with a tsk as his face falls a little.  
“Oh, really? I mean I assumed they weren’t magical in any kind of way but that just degrades them entirely.” He mutters, now clearly a little disheartened. 

I felt bad putting it so bluntly like that. It was nothing more than a scam but who was I to dampen his spirits? He had every right to get excited as he pleased. 

“But they are still fun. Come on.” I nudge him gently, trying to bring up his enthusiasm in an attempt to apologize for my statement. With a soft huff, he picks one up as I do. He watches me carefully as I crack it open, pulling apart the cookie and tugging the curled paper from the inside. 

It read; “About time I got out of that cookie.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh. It was ridiculous and childish, but I still found it amusing. I was expecting something cheesy and insightful but I was instead pleasantly surprised. Cas seemed to light up once again, the smile returning to his face. 

“Show me what you received.” He leans over to look at the paper but I hold it close to my chest.  
“Nu-uh, open yours first and then we will trade.” I bargain. 

He nods. He had this look on his face as he was ever so gently opening the cookie. His eyes would slightly widen, complete and utter concentration even over the smallest of things but every time I saw it, I was mesmerized. He looks up from the paper, his blue eyes meeting mine. We sit in silence, unmoving as if we were communicating silently. His eyes were always so warm and inviting, speaking a language I never quite understand no matter how hard I try. I lean a little closer, catching a whiff of his scent. Cinnamon and cardamom mixed with peppermint. A smell I had become obsessed with over the years. 

I clear my throat yet again, my eyes dropping to stare at the paper. “What does it say?” I ask, still feeling his gaze on my face. 

“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.” He literally deadpans, his face stoic as I burst out into genuine laughter. 

“No way! That is awesome, man.” I clap him on the shoulder and he jumps a little bit, clearly missing the puns involved. 

“I do not understand. Can you explain it to me?” He asks, quirking his head towards me. While the joke was funny, I found it might be a little awkward to explain. Luckily for me, Sam came back in obviously done pouting. 

“Sammy can explain it to you, Cas.” I take that moment to slip from the room and head to the kitchen, grabbing a beer for each of us. I don’t know why but it was always explaining sexual innuendos and metaphors along with answering sex questions always made me uncomfortable. I always stammered and blushed like a school boy. 

I made my way back to the table, placing the beers down in front of them as I cracked the lid on my own. 

“So the cookie was implying to be safe eating food like you would sex?” Cas asks after what I assume was a long explanation as Sam looked up at me pleadingly. I grin, obviously his anger from earlier now completely having disappaited. 

“Do you want to hear my fortune?” I ask, hoping it would be enough to distract Castiel as I pull my Chinese box closer and pops the lid. 

The angel turns to look at me, a smile gracing his lips as he finally stops interrogating Sam long enough about explaining his own fortune. 

“Actually, before I forget...” He holds up a finger and I watch curiously as he pulls closer another bag that I hadn’t noticed the first time. He digs around for a moment and he pulls out a box roughly four by four inches in size. 

“I had been walking past this bakery on the way home and they had a blueberry and apple pie in the display. I wanted two pieces but they only had one left so this one is for you.” He gently slides the shiny white cake box closer to me. 

I hesitate for a moment, a smile tugging on the corner of my lips, “You sure, Cas? You can have it if you want. I mean, you bought it.” I insist despite my grip tightening on the box.  
“I bought it for you, Dean.” He states simply, going back to his own food. 

I could feel Sam's eyes burning holes in my face as I shoot him a dirty look. He waggles his eyebrows and I mouth for him to fuck off. He grins, going back to his own food before I redirect my attention to the shorter brunette. 

“Well, thanks Cas. That was nice of you.” I murmur, returning my attention to the pile of noodles. 

We ate the rest of our meal in silence. I was the first to finish, getting up and I head to the living room with my box of pie. I manage to sneak a fork from the kitchen, settling comfortable on the twin seat and kicks my boots off. I rest my legs up on the couch, flicking on the television and as a pleasant surprise, I had managed to find a rerun of Dr Sexy. 

I grin, popping open the glossy box and begins digging at the short-crusted pastry when I feel myself being watched. I look up, my fork full of pie as Cas eyes it off, standing behind the couch. 

“Do I need to tell you again how creepy it is to sneak up on people like that man?” It never frightens me anymore like it used to, I could now always sense when he was nearby.  
“May I join you?” He asks, shrugging his trench coat from his shoulders as he discards it on the chair beside me.  
“Yeah, sure.” I move my legs, sitting back upright as I pop the fork into my mouth. The sweet rush of blueberry and apple fill my senses and I let out a soft hum of satisfaction, “Man this is good pie.” 

“You left your beer in the other room so I brought it for you.” He interrupts my gushing over the pie and I swallow quickly, taking the half-finished beer from his hand. His eyes linger on my pie, not letting his gaze break. 

He was sweet, having given me the pie but I knew by the way he was eyeing it off that he was now regretting his decision to let it go. I knew if I asked him yet again if he wanted some, he would immediately decline. He knows how much I love pie so he would pretend he really wasn’t interested in any. 

“Hey, I am not really feeling the pie. You can have half.” I play it off but the moment those baby blues met mine, I knew he read right through me.  
“You aren’t feeling the pie you moaned about only a few moments ago?” He quirks a brow, clearly not buying it. 

I let out a sigh, “Just have some damn pie.” I insist, taking up a bit on my fork as I hold it out for him.  
“I don’t want it.” He replies stubbornly and I feel my eye twitch.  
“Damn it Cas, eat the damn piece of pie.” I shuffle closer, pushing the fork towards his lips as he wiggles around like a child.  
“Dean, stop I don’t want any.”  
“Stop being a baby, just eat it!”  
“I don't want any!”  
“Cas!”  
Dean!”  
“Eat the damn thing.”  
“No, I got it for you.” 

The bickering continues between us as I try to force feed him a bit, my body almost on top of his. I finally manage to push the fork between his lips and he finally stops moving, eyes lighting up. I pull the fork back, not moving. “It’s good, right?” I gush a little as he nods eagerly. My smile grows as I take a little more of the pastry on my fork, holding it out for him and he takes it into his mouth this time without a fight. 

I was more than happy alternating bites, feeding myself and then him. He was much more entertaining than the show anyway and the silence was comfortable. When it was just the two of us, doing things like this it felt natural. We were best friends. That’s what this was, right? But I honestly couldn’t help the twinge of confusion in my heart at the word, ‘friends’. It didn’t seem to fit right with the two of us but lovers on the other hand-. 

I felt my tongue dry up at that word. I had thought about it before but every time I did, it made things between us awkward so I avoid it at all costs. 

“Hey, Cas. Do you mind if I talk to you about something?” I place the fork and empty box down on the floor beside us. Maybe if I brought it up to him casually, just kind of ask him what he categorized our relationship as it wouldn’t be such a big deal.  
“Of course.” He speaks softly, loosening his tie, “anything.”  
“Well there was this thing-” 

I was cut off as Sam appears in the doorway, munching on a pear. “Hey guys, what are you doing?” He was obviously oblivious to the fact he had obviously interrupted me. I move away from Cas and grabs a pillow, pegging it at him.  
“Bitch. We are watching tv.” I snort like it was obvious. I tried to not let it bother me as I lean back into the armrest.  
“Jerk. Can I join?” He climbs over the back of the couch and flops down between us both. I could feel Cas’ eyes on me but I did my best to ignore it.  
“We are watching Dr. Sexy.” I respond, hoping that will be enough to get him to leave.  
“Ew. Lets’ watch baseball.” He reaches for the remote and I roll my eyes.  
“I’m going to bed, enjoy your sport dummy.” I stand up, stretching my arms out above my head with a groan.  
“Feeling old Dean? It’s barely 8:30.” He laughs, nudging me with his foot. 

I ignore his comment, slipping out from the living room to head to bed. 

“Hey, Dean.” I stop only inches from my door, turning back to look at Cas with a soft smile. His coat bundled in his arms, eyes full of curiosity. Although the hallway was fairly dark, I could imagine his expression in my mind. Soft and human. 

“Yes Cas?” He moves a little closer, tilting his head a little.  
“What were you going to talk to me about?” He asks, moving closer to study my expression. I felt a little flustered at him being so close. Sam had really made me second guess our normal interactions. That asshat. 

“Oh um...” I hesitate. There was no way I was going to tell him now. The moment had long passed so I just make up a lie on the spot, “Well I'm going to the library tomorrow so if you want to come, you are welcome to.” 

“Are you sure that’s what you wanted to talk to me about?” He pries a little more and I just nod quickly. I could sense his disappointment and I wish that I was strong enough to tell him the truth. He just lets out a sigh and nods, “Good night then.” 

With a soft good night in return, I slip inside my room and falls asleep before my head even hits the pillow. 

*** 

I had almost made it out the door before anyone had woken but just as I slide into the car, coffee nestled in Babys’ cup holder I almost jump out of my skin as Cas pops into the passenger seat without warning. 

“DAMN IT CAS.” I let out an irritated huff, “You almost gave me a heart attack.” 

The angel pulls his belt on, shooting me an innocent smile. “Hello Dean.” 

“Why are you in my car? At this hour of the morning no less?” I ask, rubbing my eyes as I work on starting her up. With the frosted windows and sleeted snow, she would take a little to warm up. In this kind of weather, she always needed a little extra TLC in the morning. 

“Aren’t we going to the library? I am quite eager to explore what books they have to offer.” He reaches over and picks up my coffee mug, “May I?” 

I nod, having forgotten completely forgotten about my invitation to the library that I had extended to him last night. I finally manage to start her up, giving her wheel a gentle tap of approval. 

“That a girl.” I mumble softly, turning the heat up. The cold air came out in a blast, sending a shiver down my spine. It slowly shifted to warmth, the hot air melting the snow off my boots. Leaning over, I flick on one dads’ old cassettes. The song was one of my favorites (although I would never admit it out loud). I begin to mouth the words along, pulling out of the car space and heading to the library. 

How do you talk to an angel?  
How do you hold her close to where you are?  
How do you talk to an angel?  
It's like tryin' to catch a falling star. 

I was surprised to hear Castiel singing along as well. I didn’t say a word, I didn’t want to deter him from feeling like he can openly sing along to my music. It was nice. Usually Sam would judge from the passenger seat but Cas seemed more than content to get lost in his own musical rhythm. As the song faded out, I gently turn the knob down so I could speak without shouting. 

“What kind of music do you have in heaven?” I ask, wondering if perhaps there was enochian lyrics or if it was just music from here.  
“We don’t listen to music. Or watch television. All the simplistic pleasures from earth are not something we usually indulge in.” He responds, my eyes darting over momentarily to watch him.  
“No music? How do you get through a work day?” I joke, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips.  
“If you are lucky, sometimes when you go to someone's version of heaven, they will have music playing. Over the centuries, music has vastly changed for you humans. It is quite incredible.” He comments.  
“You seem to enjoy it as much as I do. At least the stuff I blast anyway.” My eyes move back to focus on the road, glad the traffic was light as I reach over to take the coffee cup from Cas’ hands. He always enjoyed holding my coffee cup for the warmth on days like this. I never mind, it makes it easier than blindly fumbling around for it. 

“Perhaps I like it because I enjoy seeing you happy.” I could feel his eyes on my face and I knew if I comment, I was going to sound like an idiot. I let out a soft Mm trying not to linger on his words too long. I take a long sip of the bitter coffee before returning it to his rightful place between his palms. 

I pull into the car park, turning off the impala with a soft click. Climbing out, I adjust my jacket and ruffles out my hair. I rarely came to the library, this was really more of Sam's thing. But the look on Cas’ face was so worth it. He looked like I had just taken him to Disney land. I almost had to jog to keep up with his fast pace as he made a beeline to the entrance. 

The glass doors slide open with ease, a rush of warm air flooding out. It was a well-kept building for its age, neat shelves stacked as far as the eye could see. The smell of moth balls and aging books mixed with coffee was strangely welcoming and the soft jazz playing over the speaker was enough to calm even me. It was rather inviting but I knew just from the rows of aisles, sections and complicated order I would need a map of some sort. Spotting a sign right beside the checkout, I made my way over and within seconds of turning to look at the directory, Cas had completely vanished from sight. 

I let out a defeated sigh. He could have stayed long enough to at least help. I spend the first couple of minutes walking around blindly, not knowing exactly what I was looking for. 

“Can I help you?” A soft, masculine voice sounds behind me. Turning on my heel, a well-built male easily in his early twenties was standing tall in front of me, a blue vest with a name tag in the corner that read; Brad. Rough stubble, dark eyes and toned arms. God damn. What the hell was this guy doing working in a library? 

“I...uh...” I laugh awkwardly, going to push my free hand in my pocket and fail in the most dramatic way possible. Damn it man, pull yourself together. I flash him a charming smile, trying to clear my head but he really was something else. Almost other worldly in beauty and I really couldn’t help but stand there like a gaping fish as I stare at him. 

He raises his thick brows, seemingly wanting a reply. 

“Oh, I was looking for...” I trail off. Surely, he wouldn’t judge, would he? Why should I care? It’s not like I was ever going to come back to this place again anyway. I speak low, peering around first to make sure no one else is around, “I am looking for the...gay section?” It comes out like more of a question and his face softens a little around the edges. 

“Erotica? Romance?” He asks and I almost fall over. 

“NO! I mean... just stuff about it.” I respond, my heart pounding in my chest as I was sure that my cheeks were a flaming red. Oh god, what kind of library is filled with Erotica? 

“Research material. Gotcha.” He shoots a playful wink and begins to walk left, moving through the aisles with a purpose. I follow behind, my head hung a little low. He suddenly stops, his thick fingers brushing over the spines of a few books. “Is it personal or for academic purposes?” 

“Does it matter?” I ask, wondering how at all this was relevant.  
“Call it curiosity.” The guy gives me a sly smile and I step back, a little flustered. “Um...” 

I bump into something and I swing around, my dark eyes meeting blue. “Dean.” He says my name quietly, eyes running over me momentarily before eyeing off the librarian. He moves a little to stand closer to me despite his arms full of books. 

“Cas.” I breath out in response. 

He drops one hand, grazing his fingers over the back of my wrist as I watch him have an almost silent conversation with the librarian. With that, the other man straightens up and his expression becoming bored and a little flat. “If that’s all you require.” With a stiff nod, he disappears out of the aisle. What the hell just happened? 

I was a little confused but I brush it off, looking down at the many books that Cas had gathered up in his arms. 

“So many books, man. What did you get?” I ask curiously, not even minding the fact we were standing openly in the middle of the gay section. I gently remove the books one by one from his arms; Gardening 101, Smart Gardening, The Ultimate guide to Gardening, The fundamental techniques of cooking, Baking Techniques, Devons Desire- 

I stop in my tracks, looking up at him with raised eyebrows. The book was in greyscale, a lustrous looking woman with red lips on the cover. 

“Romance?” I snort and he looks defensive.  
“What is wrong with liking a book such as this?” He snatches it from my hands and shoots me a look along with a tsk. 

He looks over the cover with soft eyes before collecting the rest from my arms and places the stack down on the ground beside us. It was then that his eyes began to wonder, scanning the titles of the books on the shelves. It’s like it began to click into place for him and I suddenly felt embarrassed and a little exposed. I was hoping the other sections of the library would keep him distracted a little longer but I was seemingly mistaken. 

“Dean. What are you doing in this aisle?” He inquires, his voice curious and not an ounce of judgement. His fingers brushed over a particular book, pulling it from the shelves.  
“I was just...looking around and stumbled across it.” I lie but I could tell he saw right through it. He didn’t second guess my answer though which I was grateful for.  
“Some of this looks really interesting. Especially this one.” He begins to flip through the pages of a rather thick book called; Exploring human sexuality. 

I take a moment before moving forward silently and peering over his shoulder. I stay quiet, moving my eyes up to watch him as he intently looks through the book. He seemed as genuinely interested as I was. 

“Hey Cas, I know you have told me before how angels don’t really do the nasty up in heaven but what exactly is it like for you guys? Are you all these weird floating orbs without sex at all?” I know I had worded it like a moron but I really had loads of questions but not enough patience to trickle through them slowly. 

He rolls his eyes, closing the book and adds it to his pile. With a deep breath, he turns to look at me properly. 

“For us Enochian beings, it is not something we often discuss. We are built as warriors. Not as sex objects. We do not copulate as we do not need to reproduce.” He responds and I actually feel a little empty at the sentiment. Life without sex is one thing, but being told your whole life that you are nothing more than a warrior, to serve a being you aren’t sure exists is another. Chuck really needs to get his ass in gear and give these angels the birds and the bees talk. Free will and all that crap. 

“Not even for fun?” I pry a little more, scuffing my boot along the carpet slowly as my eyes look anywhere but into his. 

“No. But coming to earth and experiencing what I have is an entirely different thing. As a celestial being, we are all rather gender fluid as you would call it. Although I have become rather taken with this vessel. We do not abide by the laws of the stricter churches. Homosexuality is a part of who humans are and they are free to love as they see fit. I personally do not have a preference in a particular gender.” I finally meet his eyes and nod a little, “Did that answer your question?” He asks and I nod again. But what did that mean exactly? 

“Good. I’m going to get these books for the bunker. Feel free to borrow any of them that you like.” He shoots me a seemingly knowing smile as he picks up the pile and disappears in a whir of his tan coat. 

I trail behind, waiting patiently beside him as he signs up for a library card. He insists on using Winchester as his last name through a softly spoken argument we had in front of the puzzled librarian. 

“Birthday?” She asks and he blinks a few times. I look down at him momentarily, before leaning closer to mumble against his shoulder.  
“Have you had a birthday before?” I ask and he shakes his head quickly. I make up a date on the spot. December 5th. He accepts it happily, seemingly excited that he was now officially dated for his ‘birth’. 

“It’s such a human thing to have.” He speaks, a small smile on his lips. With each passing day I noticed his grace fade a little more as he became more and more human. He had gone from a puzzled angel to a man wanting to learn and just fit in. It really was inspiring. 

Although as his birth year pre-dated humanity, I told her he was born in ‘74. He answers a few more minute details along with setting up a password. 

“What should it be, Dean?” He asks as he stares at the keyboard that was passed to him.  
“Whatever you like man. As long as you remember it.” I nod, gathering up the now checked out books. 

I watch as he slowly uses one finger, typing Dean in before pressing enter. I couldn’t happen but quirk a small smirk at the flattering gesture. A smile stretches over his lips as he was handed his new plastic card. He holds onto it with two hands, following me out of the library and back to the impala. 

The moment we arrived home, I placed his stack of books on the study table and explain to him that they would have to be returned by the end of the week. He waves me off, picking up the romance novel. Before he could notice, I swiped the sexuality book from the pile and darted off to my room to read in peace.


	2. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are right, I had fallen. Completely. I would do it again in a heartbeat. For him, I would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy the update and I post a new chapter every sunday! If you guys want to see what else I'm working on, feel free to follow my tumblr: @sweetteamultifandom

*Cas' POV* 

""Her body was flushed against his in an eternal embrace, lips pressed eagerly against one another in a hungry battle for passionate domination-"" 

I feel my heart beat a little faster, a silly smile on my lips as I slide down in my seat. Watching humans over the centuries had become mundane. A repetition throughout history. Similar love stories, the same acts again and again. But there was something about romance novels that make it all feel new again. 

It places me in their shoes for a short time. I have spent my life wondering what love feels like. It wasn’t what I had expected at all. In romance novels it came in the most unexpected flashes, like a bullet to the chest. It was fireworks and magic in movies. But this certainly wasn’t the case. 

I found that love is trust. Strength. Admiration. Dedication. It’s lingering glances, fingers brushing over the back of another's hand. Its pain. Torture. Tears. Full of heartbreak. It’s seeing the absolute worse in someone else and still willing to sacrifice your very soul for them. It’s holding on even when they push you away. Love is... Dean Winchester. 

It was unexpected but didn’t come on suddenly. It was like a slow burn. Years of friendship and trust. It was finding another person who understands and accepts me. He will never love you the way you love him. The tiny voice niggles in the back of my mind. 

No matter how many times I study those emerald eyes for a hint of longing or desire, or the amount of time I spend watching his body language in a desperate attempt at seeing some kind of love in return was absolutely damning. 

They are right, I had fallen. Completely. I would do it again in a heartbeat. For him, I would. 

“Cas?” I close the romance book and places it on the table, my eyes darting to the doorway.  
“Hey Sam, I'm in here.” I call out, sitting straight up and alert. 

He steps in; his hair was a sleepy mess on top of his head, he was hurriedly dressed in flannel layers and combat boots. Two mugs were held between his hands, both a little chipped and worn. 

“Where did you disappear to this morning?” He asks, setting the mug down in front of me. I drag it closer, the sweet smell of lemon and honey tea flooding my senses. The smell was absolutely divine and Gabriel really had the right idea, placing sugar within my diet had allowed me to eat and drink like a human without the molecules unpleasantly settling within my stomach. 

“Dean took me to the library.” I respond, taking a sip of the heated tea.  
“The library? What for? Did he have a stroke?”  
“No Sam, or I would have taken him to the hospital.”  
“Cas, that’s- never mind. Are these the books you got?” 

I look down proudly at my pile. “Mm, I got some gardening books, cooking books...” My fingers brush over the covers when I realize that one was missing. My grace curled up inside my vessel, the warm feeling returning. 

“What is it?” He must have noticed the small smile that gathers in the corners of my eyes.  
“Dean took one of them.” I breath out, my fingers dropping back to the romance novel in front of me. My fingers curl around the cover, flicking my digits over the pages. A feeling of hope fills my heart, the warmth spreading through my veins like fire. Maybe now that he was studying sexuality there might be a chance for me. 

“Which one?” His voice drops low, slipping into the seat across from me. His dark eyes scours my own in curiosity. 

I give him a brief run-down of the events that had occurred in the library, from finding Dean in the health, mind and sexuality section to the relentless flirting from the librarian. I was expecting him to tell me it was nothing or to just brush it off. But instead his face lit up like he had just come to a realization. 

“Yesterday, before you got home, I had told him about an article I had read about innate bisexuality. Maybe he really was interested in learning more but just felt a little too awkward to ask.” 

“Do you think this means he might reciprocate?” I ask, a little nervous for the answer.  
“Maybe.” He responds quietly, finger swirling over the lip of the mug. 

I let out a gentle sigh. It was really hopeless but I still trail after him like an idiot. Sam knew. He has known for quite a while how I feel about Dean. Since then we had become closer. After the loss of Gabriel, we had become each other's confidantes. 

“Anyway, do we have anything new to investigate?” I inquire, hoping that there was some kind of distraction from my useless pining. 

“Actually, I read this morning about an attack in Ohio. It sounds like a vampire nest. Fairly straightforward. I figure we could head out for just a few days, get it over and done with then head home.” He responds as my eyes drop, following the swirling liquid in the cup as I roll the mug between my fingers. 

“By the way, I admire that you are a hopeless romantic Cas. It really gives me hope.” He reaches forward and gently pats my arm, shooting me a soft smile. 

“Hmf. If you told me I would be reading romance novels and be hopelessly in love with a human 10 years ago, I would have smite-d you on the spot.” I finish off my tea, “Thank you Sam, that was lovely. I suppose I better go pack.” I gracefully slide my chair back, rising to my feet. 

“Would you mind telling Dean we are heading out for a few days? I will go organize snacks for the car ride that doesn’t include diner food. We can leave tonight.” I nod in response, leaving my mug on the table before slipping from the room. 

I make my way down the narrow hallway, my fingers curling as I rasp gently on his door. 

“Yeah, come in.” The gruff voice announces from the other side. With a twist of the doorknob, I push it open. Dean is half sprawled out on his bed, the book roughly shoved under his pillow beside him in a weak attempt to hide it as I step inside the quaint room. I was almost never in here, not wanting to intrude on Deans’ space. But it was warm, mostly smelling of flannel and spearmint. 

I take a seat on the edge of the bed, turning to look at him properly. 

“Sam thinks there is a case up in Ohio. Just a vampire nest, something we have dealt with countless times before.” I nod, my voice soft. 

“When are we heading out?” He asks, swinging his legs off the bed. He stands, heading to his small closet and pulls out a duffle. 

They were always on the same page. As soon as even a whisper of a case bristled past, both men would become alert and ready to chase it down. Even after all this time I couldn’t stop the feeling of overwhelming pride towards them. With all the death, despair and heartbreak that inhibits their lives, they were always willing to put their lives on the line for innocent people. 

“Cas?” His voice broke through my state of daze, my eyes flicking up to meet his. 

“Tonight. Sam is packing food for the trip now.” I rise to my feet, deciding to take my leave.  
“Can you tell him-” He began but I finish off his sentence for him.  
“To pack food that isn’t for a hamster. I will tell him to include those new pringles you like so much. In a bag this time so your hand doesn’t get stuck in the can again.” I inwardly smile and he points at me, giving me his all-knowing look. 

“Hey. It’s not my fault they make those damn cans so small.” He quips before going back to packing. 

I couldn’t help a small chuckle as I slip from the room to go to my own. My room was bare like any other; a single bed pushed against the wall, a drawer set and a lamp sitting juxta opposed. It was spacious in its own sense but if I could have it my way, I would fill it with books and cats. Cats had always been an absolute secret obsession of mine and since Sam had shown me how to use the YouTube, my craving to have a furry friend of my own had grown immensely. 

I pull out one of Deans’ spare duffels and begins to load it full of Sam's and Deans’ old clothes. I come to the realization that none of this stuff was truly mine. Even as I went to the library and placed the borrowed books inside, it only bothered me more that nothing was necessarily my own. It was theirs. Perhaps on this trip, I should go out by myself and purchase some new clothing. Make this room my own. 

It was only a glimmer of hope before I shake it away. It was a useless, humanly desire. To waste their money on such trivial things. Perhaps I should get Dean to teach me how to hustle like they do so I could contribute to the household as well. Zipping up my bag, I leave it just outside the kitchen to relieve Sam so he could go pack for himself. 

After a bit of insistence, he allows me to continue packing in his place. I had seen him do it countless times before. I pack rather quickly, all the food stacked neatly inside the bag. Zipping up the bag, I swing it over my shoulder. I scoop up my own from just outside the door, taking them both out to the Impala. Dean was already out there, doing his usual routine of checking the guns, stakes, knives and salt. 

“Do you need a hand?” I ask, wanting to be helpful in some way.  
“Nah, I’m almost finished.” He responds, waving me off. 

I lean against the wall, scuffing my shoes gently against the gravel as I continue to watch him. After a few quiet minutes, he looks over at me with raised brows. 

“I-” I hesitate for a moment, a soft sigh slipping from my lips. I take a moment before continuing. “I want to help.” I respond, standing up a little straighter. 

We stare at each other silently as I step forward, deciding to voice my concerns. It was only going to be bothersome to hold them in. 

“I don’t want to be a burden to you and Sam, I wish to contribute. More than I do. Be more involved in any way that I can.” I nod, my mind set.  
“You do contribute, Cas.” He responds with ease as he closes the trunk with a firm hand.  
“Dean...” I gently brush my fingers over the side of the car, tilting my head a little. “Sam is your brother. You have an unbreakable bond. With everything you have been through, you will be together for life. But me.” I frown a little, my mouth pulling down in the corners, “I am replaceable.” 

“Cas.” He steps forward, reaching forward and placing his hand on my upper arm. “You are not replaceable. You are family to us. Through and through. Understand?” He nods firmly and I lift my eyes to meet his.  
“Please Dean. Let me help you.” I respond stubbornly. 

His eyes were hard to read. Usually, when his eyes were dark green with a tinge of gold in the sun like this morning, he was in a good mood. But now, with the soft swirl of brown that laced the edges, perhaps he was feeling a little confused? I wanted to learn every color, study every detail of his eyes. I could stare into them for a life time. 

I step a little closer, my fingers moving up to gently brush over his shoulder. My fingertips brush over the skin of his neck that peeks from below his collar. 

“You don’t have to prove your worth to me. To be a part of our lives. You mean a lot to me and Sam. I know we have had difficulties in the past. But if you would like to learn some skills, I will teach you.” His voice is quiet and I can almost feel his breath on my skin. 

A loud bang makes me jump, whirring around to see a rat scampering off after knocking over some cans of salt. “Damn it...” Dean scolds, the moment gone as he walks over to pick up the tins. 

I try not to let my disappointment cloud my original goal. I smooth over the invisible creases on my coat, clearing my throat. 

“Perhaps you could teach me how you maintain Baby.” I respond, gesturing towards the sleek car. 

He bursts out into unexpected laughter and I withhold the urge to pout a little. Why was he laughing? 

“Dean. I’m serious. I see you work on it all the time. Don’t you think it would be a good experience for me?” I respond, my shoulders dropping as he climbs to his feet. He dusts the residue salt off of his hands, leaving the cans unstacked. 

“Alright, alright.” He holds his palms up a little, a smirk on his lips as he brushes past me, “But I have seen you try and work a toaster. No touching the car, comprende?” He pops the hood, his face lighting up. Every time he spoke about his car or was about to, he would look like a kid again. This car means absolutely everything to him. Of course I would be careful. 

“That toaster is a ridiculous contraption. Why on earth would it pop out so unexpectedly like that? They should really think about a timer.” I huff, remembering how I had almost blown up the kitchen in absolute surprise after watching the toaster too intently and the bread popping up without warning. 

“Come ‘ere.” He gestures for me to move closer. Peering inside at the multitude of gears, parts and grease, I was definitely out of my depth. Guns, knives, mass destruction, I could do. But a car? Perhaps I shot too high and should pick something a little more mundane. 

I shake myself out of it. No. Dean has been gracious enough to teach me how to do this, focus. 

“Alright, let’s begin with something basic, yeah? How to fill up the coolant.” He responds, pointing towards a green bottle only a few feet from where I was standing. I reach over, taking a hold of the bottle and cracks open the lid. 

“Watch, ok?” He takes the bottle from my hands as I focus on the task at hand. 

“Now, you only want to do this when the car is cool. Understand? It is to prevent corrosion within the engine.” I nod along, trying to take in the information and store it for a later date. “It is a 1 to 1 ratio with water usually, but I grabbed a premix bottle by mistake in my last run to the store.” He comments, being ever so gentle as he poured it inside a small bottle within the vehicle. “The coolant is stored next to the radiator. Be careful not to touch this even if the car is overheating when it is hot, ok? Even if you manage to get the cap off without burning yourself, you may possibly get steam burn.” He warns as I lean closer to observe the inner workings. 

“May I try to pour the coolant in?” I ask, keeping my eyes glued to the car. He must have debated with himself for a moment before passing me the coolant hesitantly. I ever so gently tip the bottle over, pouring the green liquid into the designated area. I could feel him close behind me, watching my every move. I stop when I see it creeping to the surface, passing him back the bottle. 

“Great job, man.” He encourages, giving me a small pat on the arm. I can’t help as a smile stretches over my lips. 

“Hey guys, ready to go?” I hear Sam’s voice from the doorway, stepping around the hood to peer at us.  
“Yep. Cas was just helping me out with the car.” He tells his brother, closing the bonnet like he needed to justify why we were alone together.  
“Cool. Did you learn anything?” His hazel eyes landed on mine and I nod, quite proud of myself. “I did.” I respond, a smug smile on my face. 

“Nice, man. I call shotgun.” He grins, climbing into the front seat as I dutifully slide in to sit behind them in the back seat. 

*** 

The drive up to Phoenix was long and exhausting. I stay silent most of the way, Sam and Dean mindlessly chatting for a while before Dean decides that cranking his Def Leppard album for the 80th time would be a charming addition to the already strenuous trip. With a few short breaks and Sam threatening to frisbee the cassette out the window, we finally reach a quaint motel to stay in for the night. 

It was a petite building tucked away a couple of miles off the main highway. Our usual kind of place, rather old but cheap. After collecting the keys, we all unload the duffels and file in to the room. Two twin beds are pushed up against what I can only assume to be decades old floral wallpaper, the carpet tucked cheaply into the corners and the whole room could be no more than 325 square feet in size. 

“Great thinking Sherlock, there are only two beds.” Sam quips, dropping his duffel bag in the doorway as he shoots a side eye look towards Dean.  
“Well, Cas doesn’t need to sleep, right buddy?” Hearing my name, I turn to look at the brothers who were staring at me.  
“Oh, um... No. I don’t require it as of yet.” I answer truthfully. Despite my humanity growing stronger as my grace begins to flicker out of existence, the basic urges had not yet become a requirement.  
“What if he wants to sleep?” Sam asks and Dean gives him a “what?” side glance.  
“Really I-” I try to speak but Dean cuts me off.  
“Then he can have my bed, I’m sure the couch is just as comfortable.” Dean replies.  
“Or you could share.” Sam urges and I shoot him the filthiest look I could muster. Dean splutters and Sam just gives me an innocent smile.  
“I said it’s fine.” I respond, dropping the bags on the floor before letting out a loud sigh. “I’m going to watch television.” 

I slip only a few feet away, settling on a beaten-up arm chair in mustard yellow and grabs a hold of the aging remote to flick through the channels. I could hear them whisper arguing and I roll my eyes, gently playing with the hem of my coat sleeve. 

The whispers die down as Dean announces a little louder that he was going to take a nap. He kicks off his boots and flops face first onto the bed, asleep in record time. Sam creeps over and takes the lovers’ seat behind my own, stretching his long legs across the cushions. I could tell he wants to say something as his mouth opens a few times but I don’t acknowledge it and I continue channel surfing as Dean would call it. 

“Cas-” I look over at him, my face remaining stoic as I wait for him to continue, “I didn’t mean to try and push like that. I know my comment was uncalled for.”  
“Sam, I don’t want him to feel pressured. Making comments like that is only going to deter him. But it’s fine. I know you were only trying to help.” I respond, reaching over to gently tap the back of his hand in a light thank you. He gives me a small smile and we both go back to watching the television. 

A few short hours pass as I zone in and out of the program that I had switched to. Dean stirs from his catatonic sleep, climbing up and stumbles to the ‘living area’ where we were situated. He lazily flops down on the seat next to Sam. They half-heartedly swat at each other for invading eithers’ space before giving up and slumping back onto the cushions. 

I try not to stare but honestly, a Dean that had just woken up was honestly the best thing to grace this earth. Tussled hair, this cute little half smirk and disheveled clothes. It made me just want to tangle my fingers in the golden, fluffy mess. 

“Cas, would you mind passing me my snickers out of my duffel?” Dean waves towards the black bag that was slumped next to my chair. I snap out of my daze, a little flustered. With a nod, I lean over the arm of the chair to unzip the bag and dig through. I don’t mean to snoop, I really don’t but when I had realize that he hadn’t brought the library book with him that he had swiped from me, I couldn’t help but feel a little put out. 

Perhaps he had finished it? Or maybe he was worried that Sam or I might find it so he left it behind? 

I try not to let it bother me further as I find the chocolate nestled amongst his clothes. I toss it over to him without looking and remains focused on the tv. I hear the rustle of the wrapper only for a moment as he pretty much inhales the whole bar. 

“We should go out and do some last-minute supply round ups before we head out to dinner.” He states, mouth full of nougat. 

I let my eyes drift towards the clock above the television, watching as it slowly clicks over to just after 6pm. I hadn’t even realized that time had moved along so quickly and I suppose neither had Sam as he mutters about getting ready to head out. I was still dressed as I came in so I simply stand and grabs Sams’ laptop out of the case for him as I assume, he would insist on doing last minute research to find the exact location of the nest. Regardless of our lack of preparation to actually find the vampires’ resting place, they were usually fairly easy to find. Mostly set up in abandoned buildings or deserted homes. 

Dean clambers off the couch, fluffing out his messy mop of bed hair. He looks over at Sam momentarily as the taller brother slips inside the bathroom. He moves to stand in front of me, the laptop held protectively to my chest as I look up at him. 

“Cas, I know you really want to help out on this case but-”  
I shoot him down before he gets very far, “If the next words out of your mouth Dean Winchester are for me to stay in the Impala while you and Sam risk your lives, you are going to be very sorry.” I warn and he waves the threat off.  
“I wouldn’t try to stop you.” He laughs lightly, his expression softening, “I just wanted to say, please don’t take any un-necessary risks. I-” He seems to struggle getting the words out, “I don’t want you to get hurt, ok?” He rushes out.  
“I have fought thousands of battles, I’m sure a vampire nest is not really going to be a challenge.” I quirk a brow, watching his expression as he rolls his eyes dramatically.  
“Whatever Cas, just be careful, yeah?” He gives my shoulder a firm tap and I jolt a little in surprise.  
“Sure, Dean.” I mutter, adjusting the computer in my arms. 

He never gave me pep talks before a fight. How was this hunt going to be any different from the last ones? Before I had much more time to mull over his words, Sam re-emerges from the bathroom and with a final collection of boots, keys, wallets and phones, we were out the door and piling back into the Impala. 

The drive was short, arriving at a Walmart which was luckily only a few blocks away from where we were staying. Climbing out of the car, I shuffle through the icy slush and mud that was left from the earlier snowfall that day. The chill weather was less than pleasant, my breath puffing out in short clouds in front of my face. 

The moment we step out of the cold and into the shopping center, I stomp a little on the mat provided to shake the leaves and wet, dirty ice build-up from the bottom of my shoes. Sam completely vanishes, mumbling about something getting some healthy snacks. Dean shrugs it off, opting for a small trolley as I follow behind. The usual things began to pile in; bullet casings, salt, duct tape, matches, lighters and so forth. It was when Dean saw the beer that his mission was deterred and he made an immediate beeline towards it. 

“Always a necessity.” He muses, a bright smile on his face as he tosses a few packs into the metal trolley. I push the cart along dutifully as he justifies each snack he pulls from the nearby shelves despite the fact, I had packed enough food to last the short trip. Although it was honestly worth it to see his face light up in excitement like I had let a child run loose in a candy store. 

“Hey Cas, come try these!” I snap back into focus, making my way over to the small food cart an older lady was standing behind. I look at the neat line up of short paper cups, a gelatinous cube coated in sugar with a tooth pick stabbed through the middle nestled inside. I narrow my eyes. 

“Dean, I'm not eating that.” I comment before he can even speak but I knew this wasn’t an argument I was going to win. 

“Come on man, they taste good!” He responds, pushing a second one into his mouth as he picks up a third, moving closer and holding it out to me. 

“What is with you making me eat these random snacks? You know I find human food somewhat distasteful.” I try to resist but he holds up the toothpick and edges it towards my mouth. 

“How are you going to know unless you try it?” He quips and I roll my eyes, “Pie is the only thing I seem to like. I doubt a gelatin sugar cube is going to be another snack I enjoy.” I respond but it the end, I take it anyway. 

I pop the candy like treat into my mouth, chewing for a few seconds. A sour taste hit my buds and my left eye unwillingly twitches. My whole face screws up involuntarily before I spit it back out into the cup. 

“What was that?” I cough, not finding it at all appealing. Dean on the other hand thought the whole ordeal was hilarious. 

“Man, I wish I had my camera just now, that was hilarious.” He chokes out between bouts of laughter and with his pure joy, I couldn’t help but crack a smile unwillingly.  
“That was disgusting.” I clarify, the sweet and sour taste still lingering behind on my taste buds as I toss the gummy into the trash can that was beside the stand. 

The lady gives us a look of disproval as we leave. We take our time up and down every aisle. Soon enough, Sam joins us. He loads a bunch of protein bars, health drinks and all kinds into the trolley as Dean tells him to keep that crap away from his food in case it was contagious. 

Despite my lengthy explanation on how that wouldn’t be possible I was met with radio silence momentarily before Sam explained that it was in fact a joke. 

“Oh, sorry.” 

The two brothers continue to playfully banter when something catches my attention. I wasn’t sure what it was at first but as I straighten up and turn around, the strong smell of sulfur floods my nostrils. My eyes widen a little, “Demons.” I mumble softly, but that wasn’t quite right. 

It wasn’t a wrenching smell and I couldn’t see any of the hideous creatures sulking around. 

“Cas, did you just say Demons?” Dean asks in a hushed tone, moving forth to take a hold of my upper arm. I continue focusing, tilting my head a little in confusion. 

“No, rather demon blood.” I breath out, clicking my tongue as the smell clicks into place, “It’s hunters. My apologies.” 

To be honest, I wasn’t sure which was more dangerous. Another hunter being in the area or the threat of an onslaught of demons. 

“Hunters? Here?” Sam asks, taking a hold of the trolley I had abandoned.  
“Yes, perhaps to wipe out the vampire nest as well.” I murmur, turning my attention to Dean who was scanning the crowd.  
“Can you spot them?” I ask him.  
“No, but I will know when I see them.” 

After a few moments, he shakes his head. “I can’t see them.” 

We decide to continue our trek around the store, a lot more alert in hopes of spotting them before they spot us. Usually hunters don’t take too kindly to me when they realize I’m an angel. Dean hovers close by, my fingers lifting a little to brush over his wrist as I turn to give him a soft ‘I’m ok’ smile. He nods, moving away to peer through the aisles. Finishing up our trip quickly, we make our way to stand in line when Dean nudges me. 

“Found them.” He comments, gesturing towards two surly looking males, one quite short with a mess of blond hair and the other a little lanky with greying roots.  
“Do you know them?” I ask as recognition flashes across his face.  
“Yeah. I ran into them a few times when Dad and I were out hunting a few years ago. I will go talk to them, yeah? Meet me at the car.” He gives me a short smile before slipping away to talk to the hunters. 

Something in my gut didn’t sit quite right about these hunters. Although, I couldn’t pinpoint it enough to evaluate whether it is because I find them a threat or because the blond male keeps shooting me dirty looks. I shift a little on my heels, turning to Sam. He was sucked into the newspaper that rests on the handle bars on the trolley and hadn’t noticed Deans absence. I manage to catch his attention and gestures towards the hunters. 

He peers over at them momentarily, tucking his long hair behind his ear habitually before folding up the paper and chucking it back on the rack. “I don’t recognize them.” I nod in response, my eyes dragging back to stare at the hunters. 

“Cas, don’t worry. Dean knows what he’s doing.” Despite Sam’s words, I couldn’t help but continue to watch them until we were at the register. 

Loading up the food onto the conveyor, the process was quick as they scan through our items. Sam pays as I pack it all back up into the trolley. We trek back outside and through the wet slush to the Impala. It begins to lightly drizzle, enough to soak through to my socks as I finish loading up the trunk of the car. With a look of distaste, I use my grace to dry them again. 

I climb into the backseat as Sam took his position in the passenger seat. As time began to tick by, I was content to simply stare at the Walmart door until Dean emerged but Sam wasn’t nearly as patient. He pulls out his phone, gesturing for me to scoot forward so he could continue teaching me how to work the device. It was nice that he was working so hard to distract me from fleeing the vehicle and trying to hunt him down. 

I was starting to understand but it was the other things like various apps and music that I still struggle with. He patiently sits through my useless questions, answering them without a second of hesitation. 

The driver door opens and I look over as Dean slides in. A wave of relief washes over me as he slams the door shut. Dean shakes out his wet hair as he grumbles a little, mumbling about damp socks. It takes a moment before he looks up at us, letting out a prolonged sigh. 

“They are coming on the hunt with us.” He comments, peeling the wet jacket from around his shoulder and discards it on the backseat beside me.  
“Dean, you know how we have had problems with other hunters before, they can’t be trusted-” Sam begins but Dean cuts him off with a look.  
“Dad trusted them. Therefor so do I. When are we ever going to complain about extra help?”  
“But-”  
“Sam. They are going to meet up with us at the diner in an hour. And that’s final.”


	3. My Brother Is A Moron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When it is Wednesday and I realise that this didn't actually publish- forgive me ;-; New chapter updates every monday depending on my work schedule.

_*Sam POV*_

This was probably the most awkward dinner to ever have occurred. Silence and tension hangs over our table like a gloomy cloud. I nudge Cas under the table with my foot to get him to stop glaring at them like he was trying to read their soul and thoughts. 

Dean was seemingly oblivious, happily chowing down his oversized burger as I stab at a few salad leaves half-heartedly. The skinner male, which I discovered was named ‘Brent’ (a seemingly unfit name for such a lanky boy) could have been no older than 20 but looked like he has aged well into his 30s. It was the curse of being a hunter. The dark circles, calloused hands and a forever dreary exposition. 

‘Dan’ on the other hand was easily in his 50s, guarding his food and shoveling it like he was in a prison yard. Looking at the various graphic tattoos up and down his arms, his mop of messy greying hair and hard, beady eyes, I would say he has been around the yard a few times. They both made me rather uneasy. 

Their story was brief, only in town to clear out the vampire nest. How they heard about it or how they found the exact location remains a mystery. Almost as secretive as their backstory. Dean didn’t reveal any information about how he met them or exactly who they are. I guess these hunters are about as private as us. 

“Got a problem, trench coat?” Brent snaps and I look over at Cas who was boring his eyes into the stranger again.   
“Cas.” I plead in a hushed whisper. The last thing I want is to start a fight in such a public place. 

The angel snaps out of whatever daze he was in, nodding his head in apology. His eyes remain level, clasping his hands under the table.

“What is your plan?” Cas asks the other hunters, rolling his shoulders back a little. This was the part he was good at. Planning, strategizing and destroying. 

“We don’t really have one.” Dan states as Brent continues shoveling his food. 

“You don’t have one?” Castiel quirks a brow, seemingly a little alarmed at their lack of preparation. “Do you know how many vampires we are up against? Is there just one leader? Do you have an approximate age? Perhaps a weakness of theirs that we can use to our advantage?” His questions fire out, trying to piece together something in his mind.

The opposing males remain silent, still glaring at each of us individually before with a finality, Dan finally spoke in a gravelly voice; “I’m going to wait in the car. 10 minutes, or we will leave without you.” He leaves the table behind as Brent shoves the last of his fries in his mouth, following his friends lead. 

The moment the diner bell rang and the men disappeared into the darkness, I slip from my seat and moves to sit across from the other hunter and angel. 

“Dean. You have to give us more, man. How are we supposed to trust these other hunters if to us, they are just strangers?” I ask and he lets out a sigh, placing the burger down as he dusts his hands off on his jeans. 

“Sam. There isn’t anything more to know. Dad trusted them, therefor so do I. They are a little rough around the edges but when has that ever not been the case with other hunters?” He shrugs half-heartedly.

This still wasn’t good enough. We were left with no plan, no strategy and are just going in unprepared which hasn’t been our style for a long time. The way Dean is acting is a splitting image of how Dad had shaped him. 

He is still blindly faithful to John even after he passed. Maybe that is something that would never fade, even as time moves on. Dean trusts him blindly and Cas will follow fire and ice into the pit with him. _For Chucks’ sake._

I knew there was nothing I could do but go in as prepared as I could be, for the absolute worst. 

***

To be honest, it could have gone a lot worse. The hunt went rather smoothly despite being a clunky, disorganized mess. The only benefit was having so many people. The nest was smaller than I thought, taking it out within an hour. Covered in blood and bruises, Cas took his time and cleaned each of us individually with a gentle tap of the forehead. 

Loading the weapons back into the Impala, Dean was rather giddy as usual after a hunt. He was elated from the adrenaline whereas I was exhausted and Cas looked rather indifferent. Regardless, he somehow had coaxed us all to go out for a drink with the other hunters. 

Begrudged, I agree. Now I was sipping on an ice-cold beer, settled in a quaint bar just down the road from the warehouse. The music was the usual country, not live but rather from a decade old jukebox. I gently tug at the peeling label, Cas’ interest held by whatever Dean was talking about as the other three hunters joke about the ‘old days’. 

A few moments later, we were greeted by a petite brunette. She was pretty; hair pulled into a hair ponytail, dark eyes and no taller than 5”5. She greets us with enthusiasm, taking down more drink orders and her interest was particularly held by Cas. Her smile grows wider, gently twirling her loose strands of hair between her fingers as she brushes her free hand over his shoulder rather shamelessly. 

She disappears behind the bar, her eyes wandering back to our table to stare at the angel.

“Trenchcoat. Seems like the waitress is into you. You gonna hit that?” Dan jokes rather loudly, earning laughter from both Dean and Brent. Cas looks over at the waitress across the room and shoots her a small smile before redirecting his attention to the older gentlemen. 

“No. I don’t have any interest in that woman.” He comments, shifting somewhat uncomfortably as he looks over at me to back him up. I look up from my beer bottle and clears my throat, leaning forward onto my elbows; “If you are interested, you should go get her Dan.” I encourage, Cas gently tapping my ankle under the table with his foot in thanks. 

“Come on Cas. Why not?” A clearly tipsy Dean chimed in, already at least four beers deep and obviously not getting the hint. 

I watch as Cas looks a little off-put and dejected.

“Because I don’t want to. Is that not enough of a reason?” Cas replies, level-headed despite the fact I could feel his anger rising to the surface and all but brimming over the edge. 

Dean puffs out his chest and like my worst nightmare has crawled out from the pages of a memior, he sounds exactly like dad as he says; “Every good man deserves a woman. If you don’t go get that, I will.” 

Cas now looks completely cress fallen as Dean looks for validation from dads’ old hunting buddies who seem to be egging him on. _Why is he so obsessed with trying to keep up dads’ image? Wasn’t it enough to grow up in a macho hunting environment_ _with_ _quite_ _close-minded_ _people? What does he_ _have_ _to prove?_

I watch as Cas sets his jaw, a familiar twitch in his left eye. I knew this wasn’t going to end well for anyone involved so I simply shuffle in my seat, pulling the wallet out of the depths of my jeans. Fishing around for some cash, I drop it on the table. 

“I’m turning in. You fellas have a good night.” I scoot from the booth, ignored by the three hunting amigos down the end who were now laughing about something ridiculous. I gently tap Cas’ shoulder who without hesitation followed me from the bar. 

Stepping back out into the chilled night, I wave down a taxi as I was not risking driving Baby in this weather. If I crashed it, Dean would kill me. As the headlights of the car flash, the driver pulls up and I tug the creaky door open.

I slide into the backseat of the cab, settling beside the angel who had seen to pressing himself against the opposing door in a quiet rage. I murmur out the address of the motel to the cab driver before clicking my belt on. I sit awkwardly in the intense silence for a few moments before breaking the tension.

“Cas...” I spoke quietly but he cuts me off with a sharp look.   
“Sam. Please. I do not need your pity.” His words are blunt and I feel a sense of guilt rush through me. I haven’t done anything wrong but I have always felt a sense of responsibility for Deans’ thoughtless actions.

“I don’t pity you.” I respond calmly, knowing he was simply snappy because of the shitty turn of events. “You know me better than that.” I remind him, reaching out to take his hand. At first, I was worried he was going to push it away and reject the comfort I offer him but as he tightened his fingers around my palm, I was relieved. 

“I know, I'm sorry.” He breathes out, refusing to meet my gaze and keeps looking out the window.

“You know that Dean didn’t do that to hurt you, right?” I respond but his look turns to one of bemusement. Even I didn’t believe myself. Dean would never intentionally hurt Cas but the shadow of our father always reappears around the presence of other hunters. He once again become the carbon copy of the macho man that dad had molded him into and I always hated it, Cas even more so. 

“You always defend him and his poorly judged actions.” He reminds me and I nod, letting out a sigh as I lean my head back against the car seat. 

“Call it a character flaw.” I respond, hoping the hint of humor in my voice would lift the dark cloud that shrouded around his slender figure. I saw a ghost of a soft smile on his lips before it disappears and for a moment, I thought it might just be the illusion of wishful thinking. 

“I think its noble of you to defend your brother even when he is being an ass.” He responds and I snort, nudging him gently with my shoulder.   
“I think it’s just my blatant stupidity towards family loyalty to be honest.” I respond and the cab pulls to a halt. I dig around in my pocket and passes the driver cash. Slipping from the car, I stretch out my long limbs and shivers slightly from the settling cold. I feel Cas’ hand slip into mine yet again, his shoulders slightly slumped. 

“Is it stupid to keep holding out hope for him?” He asks, looking up at me. I hesitate. Over the years, my answer had always been no but considering how long Deans’ stubborn behavior and inability to change has lingered despite me trying to make him see what was right in front of him. In this moment, I couldn’t help but let out a soft “maybe”. 

His jaw clenches and the feeling in the pit of my stomach has returned, that hard twist of guilt. “I’m sorry.” My words were sincere.   
“It’s not your fault.”   
“I feel like it is. That I haven’t shoved him enough in the right direction.” I respond truthfully as I let out a prolonged sigh.   
“You shouldn’t have to push him. His feelings for me just...aren’t what we thought they were Sam.” His voice breaks a little and I could hear the heartache in his voice. 

I wish I could make his pain vanish, even for a moment. I hate seeing him all twisted up and heartbroken over my idiot of a brother. I could feel his grip on my hand tighten, a shiver washing over me to remind me that I was still been standing around in the dead of winter in the middle of the night. 

I silently lead him to the motel room, pulling out my keys and unlocking the door. I flick on the light, the shitty interior lighting up unwelcomingly. I turn on the radiator as I hear the soft click of the door being closed. I kick off my boots, flopping down on one of the two twin beds. 

“Cas, maybe-” I stop for a second, gathering my thoughts as he slides off his trench coat and sits on the opposing bed facing me, “Maybe you should move on.” 

The look on his face said everything. I had basically told him that my emotionally stunted mess of a brother was never going to love him the way he craves.

“You deserve to be happy.” I tell him, leaning forward, resting my elbows on my knees as his eyes downcast to stare at the yellowing carpet. 

“I...” He doesn’t continue. He bites the inside of his cheek and starts to cry. Silent, heart shattering tears. Looking at him like this, I feel like there was something less about him and I don’t know what I'm supposed to do. I want to hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok but how could I convince him of that after everything I just said? I carefully pick my next words as I move closer to brush my thumb over his cheekbone to clean off the fresh streaks of tears.

“Castiel, you deserve better.” I breath out and his glassy, blue eyes finally meet mine. They are full of sorrow and despair, absolute and utter loneliness. I wonder if that’s the look I gave him when Gabriel died? I know this pain. I know what it feels like to lose hope. At that time, I just needed to forget. Just become absolutely lost in a world where I hadn’t just lost my best friend and guardian. The one person I had loved as much as I had Jess. 

“Sam-” He breaths out gently as he leans in and wraps his arms around my neck, resting his head on my shoulder. I slide to sit beside him, pulling him closer into my arms. My fingers move to gently rub along his back comfortingly. As a group, we hardly ever cried. Cas had always been the most stoic of all of us but I could tell this really devastated him. His last string of hope he had been desperately clinging to was now gone. 

“It’s ok, I’m here. I promise I’m not leaving.” I reassure him as I sway him gently. I don’t know how much time passes before his sobs die out and there are no more tears left for him to cry. He peels away without another word and shuffles to the bathroom. My guess was he needed a moment to regroup and collect himself.

I stand up, slipping out of my own flannel shirt and dirt crusted jeans. Digging through my duffle to find something I could fall asleep in. Today had been such an exhausting day. I felt not only physically, but emotionally drained. I could feel his pain and I knew this wasn’t something he was going to get over overnight but I was going to do what I could to help him through it. I hear him re-emerge from the bathroom but don’t bother to turn around.

“Would it be ok if I lay next to you tonight? I know I usually take the couch because I don’t sleep but...” He trails off as I turn to give him a soft smile.   
“That’s fine. You know you don’t have to ask.” I respond.

I knew Dean would most likely be too drunk to notice anyway. If he even comes back at all. Cas climbs onto my bed and shuffles under the blankets. He had switched out from Deans’ usual jersey to one of my old college shirts and a pair of sweats, avoiding all eye contact despite the fact I knew his eyes would be incredibly puffy and bloodshot. I flick off the light before making my way through the darkness to climb under the covers next to him. 

He immediately takes my hand with a gentle ‘thank you’ squeeze for good measure. 

“You know I will always be your best friend, right Cas? No matter what.” I reassure him. I knew he would now not only be worried about losing Dean but me too. He always told me about his insecurities about being left alone again no matter how many times I have comforted him. 

‘Thank you.” His words were soft but I could understand his frustration, his absolute torment at feeling like he wasn’t good enough. 

After losing Gabe, I had processed my own grief through empty, meaningless sex but I still had my brother and friends to lean on when I needed that emotional support. Whereas for Cas, he must feel like he had lost everything and, in this moment, I was all he had left. 

I drop my hands, wrapping them around his shoulders. I feel his fingers tightening their grip on the front of my shirt, his head moving to bury into my chest. 

I gently rub his back, eyes closing as I feel his body relax against mine. We were both so lost in our own world that it wasn’t until the light flicks on that I even realize that Dean has gotten back.

“Cas?” The word slips from Deans’ lips, the word laced with confusion.

I spring to sit up, Cas falling off the bed and onto the floor with a soft yelp. I could just imagine how I looked; guilty and a little flushed. I refuse to make eye contact. There was nothing for me to be ashamed of, neither of us had done anything wrong but I honestly felt like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. My eyes drop to look at Cas who was confused and just as guilty looking as me. 

“You two?!” Deans voice raised and my instinct was to protect Cas who looks absolutely humiliated.

I feel a flush of absolute frustration and anger. _How dare he get worked up like it even matters to him_ _?_ _I had just spent the last_ _hour_ _cleaning up after him and trying to piece back the person he had devastated. If anyone had the right to be angry it was me, for god damn sure._

“What?” I snap, my eyes moving up to finally meet his. His expression became laced with anger as his eyes grew dark with fury.   
“Cas, get out. I need to talk to Sam.” Although he looked calm, his body language says otherwise. The angel didn’t say a word, scrambling to grab his trench coat as his eyes stay glued to the floor.   
“Don’t talk to him like that.” I stand up and grabs Castiels’ forearm before he can slip from the room.   
“Sam, it’s ok. He’s right, I should go.” Cas insists, clearly wanting to leave to avoid conflict.   
“No. You don’t have to go anywhere.” I respond firmly, my eyes still glued to my raging older brother.   
“Ok, then you both can stand here and explain to me what the hell I just walked in on.” He growls, still clearly a little drunk as he lingers in the open doorway.   
“Why do we have to explain anything?” I challenge, moving to position myself in front of Cas to block his view of Dean.   
“Because I didn’t expect to walk in while you two were-” He seemed to splutter over his word as his eyes widen, looking like they were going to pop out of his head.   
“While we were cuddling Dean? Is that what you are getting at? It’s not like I had my hand down his pants.” I spat, my voice becoming a little louder, “And what’s wrong with that huh? Did you bring dads’ blatant homophobia home with you as well?” I feel a soft tug on my jacket but I ignore it.   
“Dads- What the fuck are you on about?” He glowers.   
“So you can parade troupes of women in and out of our lives without warning but the one time you walk in on us doing something innocent such as this, you freak out?”   
“You mean this isn’t the first time?” His voice jumps up a few pitches and I feel Cas’ energy shift. Before I can even stop him, he shoves past me and storms up to Dean. He grabs the collar of his flannel shirt and shoves him up against the doorframe. I was honestly surprised although I really shouldn’t have been that Castiel had finally snapped.

“No. If I want to be intimate with your brother, I have every god damn right to. You self-righteous, ignorant, self-centered asshole.” His voice was sharp, eyes dark with anger, “After that shit you pulled in front of your ‘friends’ at the bar, you have no right to talk to me or Sam like that.” Shoving my brother away, Cas storms off outside.

Dean spluttered, obviously not only confused as hell but torn between whether this was a fucked-up dream or reality. 

“Dean. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t expect him to stay miserable and pining over you like a teenager. Either stop being a moron and confess to him, or let him go.” I announce, moving closer to him.   
“You had no right to do that, Sam.” He growls, shoving me back.   
“Maybe not. But someone should. He is worth more than how you treat him. You better damn apologize.” I threaten before slipping past him and following Cas out of the motel. 

I look around in the darkness, trying to spot him but with my shitty vision I can’t seem to find him anywhere. I am too riled up and pissed off to stay in the same room as Dean so I settle on going to drink my anger away with tequila like a grown up. 

***

“Ready Samsquach?” The blond beside me asks, balancing her shot between her slender fingers. She has a wicked smile, curls that fall just below her shoulders and strikingly bright eyes. She was wearing a form fitting dress in the most hideous pattern I could have ever imagined but against her tanned skin, she really pulls it off.

Only about an hour ago, I had been sitting by myself. Still riled up and angry at Dean, having downed a fair amount of tequila by that point. Shoulders hunched, I was leaning over the bar and running my index finger over the lip of my almost empty glass when this petite blond came out of nowhere and just sat down beside me. She was annoying and persistent despite me not wanting to talk at all. She managed to pry my name out of me and ever since, she has settled for just drinking with me. _You wouldn’t get all prissy if I drink you under the table, right?_ Was her ridiculous comment as she ordered a fair amount of mystery shots. 

I was pissed off at first for being disturbed, but her energy was familiar to me. There was something about her I just couldn’t place. She was irritating, loud and eye-roll worthy but honestly, I was glad she was here. She was a fun distraction from everything that had happened a few hours prior. 

“On my count of three.” I grin, picking up my nth shot for the night, “One, two-” She takes her shot back before I even reach three, letting out an excited holla. “Hey, I didn’t get to three.” I laugh and she slips the shot from my hand, taking it down with ease. 

“I am surprised you made it to two. You are clearly wasted.” She states, her eyebrows raising in amusement. “Maybe we should sober you up a little before you head off home, yeah?” 

She gently nudges me and I nod a little in agreement. Surely, I could not deal with Dean or Cas in this condition. I knew I needed to at least sober up a little first. She digs around in her purse and pulls out her overly blinged out phone. 

“What are you, a teenage girl?” I snort and she laughs, looking over at me; “Hardly. Who says I can’t like a bit of bling on my phone. Let me guess, yours is in a simple case. Right? So boring.” She pokes her tongue out at me, the simple diamond stud on the tip catching my attention as she looks back at her screen.

“There is a 24-hour diner just around the corner. Do you want to go?” She asks, quirking her head to the left as she leans on the bar, showing off her numerous piercings down the curve of her earlobe.   
“Uh...” I think for a moment. I had met this girl less than an hour ago and just spent the time getting absolutely wasted. But she was right, I needed to sober up. Usually with a girl I meet in a bar, it was the usual routine of; getting drunk, having sex in the bathroom and then both of us going our separate ways. 

But for whatever reason, this girl didn’t have those intentions. She seemed genuinely concerned about me heading home in this state.

“Come on, I'm sure your boyfriend would be worried if you went home in this condition, yeah?” She laughs and I feel my cheeks heat up. Ah, that explains her lack of interest. She thought I was gay. I shrug half-heartedly, not wanting to correct her. I was enjoying the comfort of this particular stranger and the last thing I want is to spoil that. 

“You are right, coffee sounds pretty great actually.” I drag my hand down over my face, shooting her a grateful smile.   
“All right Smarmy, let’s get you sobered up.” She jumps off the bar stool, barely reaching my shoulder as she takes my hand, tugging for me to follow. 

I slide from my own seat, letting her lead me from the quiet bar and out onto the sidewalk. 

“So what's a girl like you doing out at 3am on a Tuesday?” I ask, the cold air sobering.   
“I’m a backpacker from Australia, it’s only 6pm where I'm from.” She smiles warmly up at me, “I just haven’t adjusted yet.” 

Australia? Was I honestly so drunk I hadn’t even realized that her accent wasn’t American? She must have noticed the confused look on my face as she laughs wholeheartedly. 

“You dummy, I have put on an American accent. It stops me from getting overcharged at bars.” My cheeks heat in embarrassment and I give a simple _oh_ in response.

Reaching the offset diner, I tug open the old glass door and allow her to bound in first. She looks around before selecting a seat near the back, the vinyl plastic seats comforting as I sit opposite her. She digs around in her bag momentarily before pulling out a lollipop. Tugging the wrapper off, she pushes it between her glossed lips with a hum. I couldn’t help the smile that pulled at the corner of my lips as I drag the menu closer to browse. 

“Why here? Wouldn’t someone like you want to travel to the tourist parts of the US?” I ask, not looking up from the laminated pages.   
“If you went to Australia, would you go to the tourist parts?” She asks, resting her forearms up on the faded table.

I hesitate for a moment. To be honest, because of Deans’ plane phobia I had never even thought about travelling overseas. It was always hunting. If we weren’t hunting, we were looking for things to hunt. For some reason, in that moment it bothered me. This young girl had probably been all over the world and here I was, still third wheeling my brother and his angel. 

“I guess.” I respond, frowning a little as I settle on my order.   
“Oh, come on. The best parts of the world are the ones not having been tainted by tourists. So of course, I would pick to come to sunny Phenix in Arizona. To see the normalcy of a culture.” She peeks up at me through her gold lashes, “If you could go anywhere in the world Sam, where would you go?” 

The question stumped me momentarily but the word slipped out before I could even think, “Paris.”   
“The city of lights? Woah, me too. Tourist destination or not, I could imagine the country side would be just as breathtaking.” 

It made me smile to think of a world away from hunting. But this was my life, I couldn’t just walk away. She watches me curiously, tilting her head ever so slightly as she taps the raspberry lollipop on her bottom lip thoughtfully.

“You know, you remind me of someone.” I state, the smile slipping from my lips as I think of the same angel I loved who had the exact same habit of sweets. Even down to the gentle tapping of it on her bottom lip. It was always so distracting when he did it. Whenever I told him to stop, he would simply say; _Don’t be such a sourpuss,_ _Sammarino_ _. Here,_ _taste_ _my lollipop._

“Ah, hopefully its someone awesome.” She grins, pushing her curls behind her ear as she smiles up at the approaching waitress. Without even asking, she orders black coffee for us both and a slice of pie.

“That wasn’t even what I wanted to order.” I protest but she waves her hand.   
“Nu-uh, you need some cheering up Sambo.” She click her tongue, shooting me a brighter smile if that was even possible. 

“Why are you so nice to me?” I ask, seemingly out of the blue. I was genuinely curious, I was a complete stranger who she seemed to hang on to. She was in a foreign country, alone and hanging out with _me._ The nerd drowning his sorrows, wearing too much flannel. 

She shrugs, “I don’t know. There was something familiar about you, I guess. I just had this urge to help.”   
“Familiar? In what way?” I inquire, reaching to grab onto a napkin that was stacked messily nearby. I place it down on the table, gently creasing lines into the smooth paper.

“I don’t know, to be very honest with you.” She responds, leaning back against her seat as the coffee and pie was placed respectively in front of both of us. She reached over, her bright and playful spark dimming as she brushed her hand over mine long enough to stop me repetitively creasing the soft tissue.

“I haven’t know you for very long but I feel like you carry a lot of weight around with you. Whatever has put you in such a sour mood is adding to that stress. So if you want to talk Sam, I'm here.” She withdraws her fingers, gently brushing them over the rim of her coffee cup. I watch in silence as she begins gently peeling open sugar packets and pouring them in. _How is she so much like him?_

“I-” I hesitate for a moment, her golden eyes flicking up to watch me cautiously. I knew she wouldn’t push for answers as I begin to stab at the crust of the pie. I let everything out about how the night unfolded, leaving out bits and pieces of magic and monsters as not to terrify her. She dips her head in various parts, obviously piecing everything together in her mind. There was a moment of silence before she responds.

“Do you have feelings for this, Castiel?” She inquires, dropping her spoon into the black liquid, swirling it around slowly as she rolls the lollipop between her fingers with her free hand. Pulling the sugar stick from her lips with a soft pop, she places it aside.   
“No. Of course not.” I shake my head, knowing deep in my heart of hearts that everything I felt for Cas was not romantic but rather a craving for the emptiness in my soul to be filled.   
“It sounds like you both were using each other for selfish reasons.” She states and I swear my jaw could have hit the floor. There was no simplicity or careful honesty, she was just blunt.   
“Excuse me. You hardly know me.” I argue but she cuts me off with a simple look.   
“I may not. But I know how people like you are. I understand you are still mourning the loss of your partner. I’m sorry by the way.” She breaths out softly, “But I think you are too heavily involved in whatever is between your brother and this guy. This is obviously very messy and I think your brother will now blame you for why he isn’t with Castiel. So maybe you should take a step back for a while.” 

I couldn’t be angry at her for her logic. It was all sound, I just had nowhere to go. They were my family. But I understood that heading back to that motel was only going to create more friction and I needed them to sort whatever is going on between them. She was also right about _him._ I never got over mourning him. I still carried him with a heavy heart each day, despite the fact I thought that by gathering intimacy from strangers and Cas, it would somehow fill the hole he left behind. 

“I’m sorry if it wasn’t my place to add such a comment, I was really only trying to help.” She offers, nervously tapping the edge of the cup with her metal spoon. I wave a hand, brushing off her apology.   
“It's fine, really. I think you are right, I need to stay away for a while.” I nod, letting out a defeated sigh, “I guess I could just hang around the area?”   
“You don’t live around here, do you Samuel? Is it just you, your brother and Castiel?” She inquires and I nod in response.   
“Come with me.” It was like a light flickers on and her eyes light up with such wild enthusiasm. “I’m leaving to head to Atlanta in the morning. It’s going to be a long drive all by myself. We could jam, listen to some tunes and eat a ridiculous amount of candy.” She winks playfully, bursting into the most melodic laugh. “No funny business. I promise. Just a person helping a stranger. After all, a road trip is the best kind of distraction.” She muses and for once I decide to be impulsive.

“Alright. Under one condition.” I tell her, pushing my slice of pie towards her as she cleans off her own plate.   
“Anything.” She nods, clearly so proud of her idea.   
“Tell me your name. Unless you want me to stick to blondie.”   
She laughs, her eyes creasing up in the corners in amusement; “Gabriel.”


	4. A Well Deserved Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the update lovelies! You are welcome to follow me for a chat or update on tumblr: @sweetteamultifandom

_*Cas POV*_

It was well after 3am when I make my way back to the motel. I slip into the room silently, Sams’ bed vacant and a passed-out Dean on the latter. Climbing into the cool sheets that Sams’ bed offers rather than taking the couch, I settle down and closes my eyes. 

It doesn’t take me long to slip into my mind and to go to the place I feel safest. After the chaos the night ensued, I just needed a break away for a while.

Roiling hilltops and mountains stretch as far as the eye can see. A vast lake surrounded by rocky shores and trees, not a dent of humanity having taken over this luscious place. I had only ever seen it once in person, but I was able to recreate the memory with ease. The slight pinch of frosted morning air, the smell of earth and grass mixed with salt water. I take a seat on the closet patch of grass, leaning under a shady tree. 

This was the closest feeling I had ever gotten to being asleep. Whilst I could control my dreams, unlike a human, I felt it was almost the same experience. 

“Clarence? Why are we in this dump? Couldn’t you at least take me to a damn bar or something? I am dead for god sakes. I think I deserve a little better than a bumpkin ass view.” 

I look up at Meg who was scowling, seemingly pissed that my mind has conjured her up. I did this on occasion, when I wasn’t sure who else to go to. She may not be real, but my memories of her definitely were. She was the only female I had ever gotten close to. She was shroud, loud and blunt. 

Despite her demonic nature, she understood me on a level no one else did. She was gentle and kind when she wanted to be, protective over my wellbeing. She took care of me when nobody else did. I owe her my life. 

With a huff, she slumps next to me. “This better be bloody good.”   
“It’s Dean.” I murmur quietly and she just rolls her eyes.   
“Are you still pinning over that damn hunter? Piece of trash if you ask me.” She hits my arm, glaring at me, “Damn it Cassie. Move on already.” She shakes her head and huffs.   
“Meg, you have always known it’s never that easy.”   
“Yeah, but you know I think all that profound bond garbage is bullshit.” 

I go quiet, letting out a sigh. I could feel her gaze settle on me, trying to read my expression. With a very un-demonic surge of guilt, her voice softens. 

“Why do you like him so much? I never understood why he means this much to you. He threw you out when you became human, he left you in purgatory, he abandoned you when you lost your marbles.” 

I gather my thoughts before responding, “Human emotions are complex. I never understood the phrase; ‘I would do anything for love’. How could that have meant anything to me? I was nothing more than a mindless soldier in heaven. Blindly following orders. When I fell to earth, I started to watch Sam and Dean and began to understand. I gained freewill, the ability to judge and make my own choices. It has been a rocky road for them and I, but I love them unconditionally. I owe them for setting me free. I gave everything up for them. “I shift a little before continuing, “With Dean, it feels different than how it does with Sam. At first, I wasn’t sure exactly what it all meant. These foreign feelings. I had spent thousands of years alone. It started off simply as a ‘profound bond’. Now I feel his hearts true desire, when he looks at me. The more human I become each day, the more I sense it. Our almost moments. I know he loves me back, I can feel it in my soul that I'm not embellishing this. But...” I let out a sigh, “I know he won’t admit it to himself. He was pushed into the heteronormative roll of the dutiful son. The straight male. Girls. Booze. Food. Three limited slots. It’s taken me ten years to get to this point with him. Meg, I don’t think I have it in me to wait another ten.” 

She reaches out and laces her fingers with mine, giving it a gentle squeeze, “How do you know that the bond you share with him is unique? How do you know there is no one else in the world who would not love you the way you deserve?” I bite the tip of my tongue. _That is exactly what Sam said. Maybe he was right after all._ "My little unicorn, what am I going to do with you?” She muses.

“You are right, I don’t know. But what am I going to do? Just go to a bar and pick up a guy?” I ask, but she just gives me a look like ‘duh’. 

“I am not Dean. Or Sam. Both have no trouble picking out a mate. I on the other hand, do not have the humane graces that they do. I am a little too dry.” I respond.   
“The right person will realize how special you are. Even if you need to go through a few men to find one that fits, that’s fine too. Plus, you are hot, Cas. You aren’t going to have any trouble finding someone else to play with.” She responds breezily, stretching out her arms, “If I was still kickin’, I would give you the ride of your life, kid.” 

I can’t help but quirk a smile in amusement, nudging her gently, “Thanks Meg.” 

_***_

_*Dean POV*_

The first thing I notice when I wake up was the blinding light. It was sharp and hard. A result of my usual hangovers. I sat up. Eyes bleary, mind scattered and stomach roiling as I try to focus and recap last night. The fuzzy memories rush back, clicking roughly into place. 

_Cas._ My eyes immediately dart over to the twin bed beside mine. There he was, curled up under a pile of blankets with his tuft of black hair being the only thing I could see. 

The memory that settled clear in my mind like a punch in the gut was Cas laying almost on top of Sam. Feeling bile rising up in my throat, I rush to the bathroom and throw up the contents of last night's binge into the toilet. I wipe the remnants from my bottom lip, deciding that perhaps a shower will help calm and sober me a little more. I turn the heat on full blast, stripping out of my jeans and loose fit shirt. I step into the shower, closing the curtain and shoves my head under the rush of water. It was loud in my ears and much too bright but I knew I would have a long drive home today and I wanted to cure myself of this hangover as soon as possible. 

I had no idea what I was going to say to either of them. For all I cared, they could both disappear and leave me to wallow in self-pity. But the hurt that tugged at my heartstrings is what stopped me from being so angry. It wasn’t Sam's fault. He was right. I had spent the last ten years in complete denial of my attraction towards Cas. Finally, I was coming to terms with it when I decide to act like a complete asshole and prance around like a show pony in front of other hunters. The look on his face when I suggested he go pick up the waitress was soul crushing. 

I didn’t have it in me to even be angry at Cas. This was all my fault and if those two want to be happy together, who was I to interfere? I had clearly lost my chance. _He deserves more than how you treat him._ Those words are what probably hurts the most because he was right. Cas deserves someone who will love and treasure him. Someone stable. Not me, the emotionally stunted human that was pining over him. 

I heard a gentle tap on the bathroom door, my eyes opening. “Yeah?” I call out and for a moment it was complete silence. I thought maybe they had gone away but then I heard a soft voice that made my heart clench a little.

“Can I come in? I just need to grab my coat.” The request was small but I felt so much shame for how poorly I treated him. What should I say when he came in here? Should I just ignore it and pretend everything is normal? Jeez, even I knew that was a bad idea.

“Dean?” He asks yet again and I let out a soft sigh before responding.   
“Yeah Cas, you can come in.” 

The door clicks open, peering around the curtain for a split moment I caught a glimpse of his hunched shoulders, tired eyes and bed hair. I reach for the soap, begin to rub down my body when I hear the gentle clink of the plastic brush against the porcelain holder. I could tell he was stalling, making out his outline through the frosted curtain.

“Cas...” I breath out softly and he cuts me off.   
“Sorry. About last night.” He rushes out. I hear him settle onto the closed lid of the toilet and I could imagine how he would be nervously rolling the fabric between his fingers.   
“Sorry? What are you sorry for?” I ask, clearly surprised. I needed to apologise. Not him.   
“What you walked in on last night. I can imagine it would have been quite a shock.” He treads carefully around his choice of words and I clench my jaw. _Yeah. Shock._

I stay quiet for a moment, mulling over what the correct response would be. Screaming and being hysterically jealous would probably be an unsavory event. It takes me a minute to pull together probably the hardest sentence I have ever had to muster. 

“If Sam makes you happy-” He cuts me off, voice edged like a dagger.   
“I swear to Chuck if you finish that sentence, I will smite you.” With that, he stormed out of the bathroom and slams it shut. I jump a little with the loud bang of the door, wondering what the hell that was about. 

I spend a little extra time in the shower but as the heat begins to run low and my fingers prune, I know I can’t hide in here any longer. Shutting off the water, I reach blindly for a dry towel. I shake out my hair, wrapping the cloth around my waist as I climb out. Standing in front of the mirror, I stare at the sorry excuse for a person staring back. _Oh, shut up._ I tell myself, reaching for my toothbrush. I get rid of the sour taste that had lingered and created a thick film on my teeth before making my way back to the bedroom to look for fresh clothes to wear. 

Cas refused to even look at me. Not then. Not when I told him we were going out for breakfast. Not when we were in the car. Not even when we were sitting across from each other in a cheap diner downtown. 

“Here you go doll, a bacon and egg deluxe for you and a waffle stack for your friend here.” Smacking her gum loudly, she gives me a flirty smile before disappearing back to the kitchen. I shoot her a thankful smile before looking down at my food. If anything was going to flush out this hangover, it was going to be this stack of greasy bacon. 

“Come on Cas, you can’t just freeze me out.” I let out a sigh, dragging my hot coffee closer. Bringing it to my lips, the bitter taste washes over my taste buds as I chug it down. 

I begin to stab at my bacon as I see Cas’ internal struggle. He obviously wants to say something, he always does. He stabs at a blueberry, popping into his mouth. The silence drags on for a short breath of time before he places his fork down. His ocean blue eyes meet mine, leaning forward as he presses his palms flat on the surface of the table.

“What am I to you, Dean?” My heart flutters a little at the question. He was everything to me. My home, my family and my best friend. I trust him with everything I have and I would do anything for him in return. But that wasn’t his question. His question was simplistic. Factual. 

“You are my friend.” I respond. There was that word again. Bitter on the tip of my tongue, quite unpleasant and dry. 

“If I am nothing more than your friend, why did you freak out last night?” He asks. My mind ticks over, emptiness filling where an answer should be. I want to tell him how my feelings have blossomed recently but I can hardly admit it myself. Let alone confess to him out loud. What if he rejects me? Hates me? I can’t bear to be without him. To lose the one person who knows me better than I know myself.

“I just, I was worried. I didn’t know you two were a couple. It was a surprise.” I murmur, the lie slipping out easier than I thought it would as I poke at my bacon, the pile of grease now unappealing. 

“Sam and I are not a couple.” He breezes past the topic, returning to poking at his fruit. His face was scrunched up both in annoyance and frustration. I could tell he wasn’t happy with me still. His blue eyes are steel cold. Not the warmth I have come to crave over time.

“Then why-” I begin but he holds up his finger, hushing me.   
“Because we both needed it. My intentions are private regardless. It shouldn’t matter to you what I do. We are just friends, right?” The words sound even worse pulling from his lips. Like a dagger through my heart but he was right. Who was I to tell him off for acting on his human urges for comfort?

“Right. I’m sorry Cas.” I nod, not lifting my eyes from the plate. We both continue our meals in silence. A soft buzz sounds from my pocket. Digging into the fabric, I pull out my cell to see a message from Sam flashing on the screen. My lip twitched a little involuntarily. I slide it open to reveal a very short text; 

_To: Dean_   
_From: Sam_

_Going out of town for a few days. Work your shit out with Cas. Head home without me. Stay safe._

I frown a little deeper. _A few days? Where was this asshat heading off to?_ I read the message aloud to Cas (Bar the part where I should work it out with Cas), the conversation having slipped back to a sense of normalcy and all awkwardness being alleviated via a distraction. He seems just as confused as I am.

“Do you perhaps think he is in danger?” Cas asks, pushing his waffles away. It was a shame as he usually gets overly excited about the treat, only now to discard it. 

“I don’t think so. Maybe he is meeting up with someone? Or hunting a small case?” I offer, but I know as little information as he does. I text back a simple _ok_ just to let him know I have received it despite still being pissed off at him. 

“Perhaps.” He comments, gently twisting the fork between his fingers.

“You know Cas, I really am sorry for getting angry at you like that.” I scoot forward just a little, resting the palm of my hand on top of his. He pulls back like he was electrocuted, a distasteful look on his face. _Oh shit, was that too much?_ I go to apologize again but he slides from the booth. 

Adjusting his coat, he doesn’t bother to look at me; “I know Dean. It’s fine. I’m going to go wait in the car.”

I finish off my meal, pay the bill and slides into the driver's seat. 

The car ride home is silent. I barely get anything more than a peep out of Cas. The moment we arrive back to the bunker, he is out of the car within seconds and holes himself up in his room. I have no clue how I am going to make it up to him. I tried to accept them, he got angry. I apologize and he storms off. Maybe it would be better to scream and fight, then at least I would get an answer from him. 

With a heavy sigh, I drag myself inside. 

I spend the first few hours tidying up the bunker. Washing, tidying, baking; I really have begun to nest like a mother hen. When everything was pristine, I am still all riled up with no other way of distraction. 

That’s when I can no longer stand it. I head to his room, rapping on the door. I am met with silence. Narrowing my eyes, I knock louder.

Unable to ignore me any longer, I hear shuffling before a loud; “Come in.” 

I push the door open, met with the sight of Cas stretched out on his bed, romance book still resting on his chest. I smile inwardly. I love the fact he is obsessed with human emotions and that love is his favorite feeling he likes to study. 

“Can we talk?” I ask, closing the door behind me with a firm click. He shuts his book, sliding it onto his nightstand as he sits up. He gestures for me to sit towards the edge of the bed, scooting back a little to make room. I lumber over, not wanting to seem like I was snooping despite the fact I want to look around his room. I was genuinely curious as I haven’t spent much time in here before.

“Go ahead.” His voice is smooth, laced with curiosity. I wasn’t sure where to start, taking a moment to gather my thoughts. _Perhaps I should start from the beginning?_

“You remember how we went to the library?” I ask and he nods, patiently waiting for me to explain, “Well, I went there because of this article that Sammy had told me about-”   
“The article about Innate Bisexuality?” He interrupts, his eyes lingering on my face as I clear my throat, a slight warmth rushing to my cheeks as I nod. _Of course, Sam told him, they are like_ _girlfriends. No secret in this house is safe_ _._

“Yes, well I was curious and wanted to learn more about it so I went to the library and we found that book. I have been attempting to read it although I am finding it all a little difficult to follow it to be honest.” I admit, wringing my hands a little out of complete nervousness. _Why am I so nervous about what he thinks on this topic? Surely, I shouldn’t care so much about what he thinks._

“Why do you think it peeked your interest?” He asks, tilting his head in that was he does when he was analyzing what I say. _Damn it, why do I find that so cute?_

“I don’t really know.” I mutter, unsure of how to explain. 

As kids, jumping from school to school and hunting with dad, we never really had a chance to find ourselves. Let alone explore our own sexuality. Perhaps I was curious because I was attracted to Cas without any prior hint throughout my life that I might be gay and this was all extremely confusing. I feel like a lost puppy who is desperately searching for a label or explanation of my feelings and this honestly feels like the last life raft. 

“Perhaps you are questioning your sexuality?” His voice is soft and non-judgmental but it doesn’t stop the blush creeping further up to my ears. I lower my eyes, looking down at my clasped hands. I have barely admitted to myself that I was questioning everything I was so I certainly wasn’t ready to say it out loud to him. But if there was a good time for me to confess anything, it was now. 

“Dean.” I look back up at him, green eyes meeting his soft blue ones. They held no judgement and were as clear as a summer day. “I never understood humans and their need to put everything into such definitive boxes. There are things in this universe that are twisted and warped, that could never be explained in words. So why does something as freeing and personal as sexuality need a label? I think as angels, it is easier for us as we are genderless and fluid. Sexuality never matters to us. I can imagine how this might be scary for you, Dean. But perhaps, you just are who you are? You don’t need to label yourself as Bisexual or Gay to be valid. You have always broken outside the restraints the world has placed on you so why confine to them now?”

His words resonate inside of me and leaves me feeling warm and accepted. He was right. I was trying so hard to find a place, an explanation for my feelings towards him for so long I never really took the time to consider the possibility that I just love Cas. No reason, no underlying sexuality secret, but simply that he is what I want. 

“Is there a reason you are looking into your sexuality now?” His question is gentle and I feel that doubt creep back in and settle on my chest like a weight. 

“Actually... yes.” My mouth was a little dry, even as I flick my tongue over my lips. My hunter's instinct was to make a run for it out of fear but my heart told me to stay and tell him the truth. “I have been having these feelings, um... as of recent. Well not so recent-” I began tripping over my words. I was honestly never very good at expressing my feelings in a heartfelt way. I always manage to make it worse. 

“Dean.” He cuts me off yet again, forcing me to take a breath and meet his gaze. “If you aren’t ready, you don’t have to explain anything to me.” 

I nod, feeling a sense of comfort and relief wash over me. 

“Thank you. For coming to talk to me. I know the last day has been quite a mess but I would like to put it all behind us and move on.” He says with certainty, a smile once again adorning his lips.

“Me too, Cas.” I respond, unable to help but shoot him a relieved smile. I reach over and taps his shoulder gently in thanks. 

I was about to get up and leave when he tells me to wait. Refocusing my attention on him, he says; “I was thinking about something you said to me at the library yesterday morning.” He sits up a little straighter, scooting closer to me, “You said that my human birthday is the fifth of December.” 

I nod, remembering in fact that I had picked the date off the top of my head at that moment in time.

“That’s only in a couple of days and I was wondering if perhaps you would like to spend my birthday with me. We can celebrate properly.” He suggests and I can’t help but grin.

“Sure Cas. Sounds like a plan.” 


	5. Road Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabby and Sam head for Vegas but not before making a small detour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a late christmas present! A second update. Because I had two days off I had more time to write so here you are :) Enjoy~ And as always, I update every Sunday :)

_*_ _Sam POV_ _*_

There was somewhere along the way where I should have hesitated getting in the bright yellow mini cooper with a total stranger. But I wanted to be fearless, impulsive for once in my life. The only other time I had been this sure of something was when I left Dad and Dean to go to Harvard. 

I look over at the perky blonde in the driver's seat, her pink beanie is pulled down over her hair and she is all rugged up in winter gear which was a vast change from the outlandish dress she was wearing the night before. She is singing loudly, her whole heart poured into it which I thought would annoy me but she looks so happy as she belts out her tunes that I don’t mind so much.

She reaches for the radio knob, turning it down to a minimum as she shoots me a bright smile momentarily before returning her attention to the road. 

“Alright, Sambo?” She asks, driving well under the speed limit as snow pelts down on the glass windows, her wipers at a leisurely speed to clean off the soft powder.

“Mm.” I respond, rolling my half empty coffee cup between my fingers as I let my gaze redirect out the window.

“Second guessing yourself?” Her voice was soft and full of concern.

“Wouldn’t you second guess getting in a car with a stranger you drunkenly met the night before?” I quip, shooting her a smile so she knows it was more of a half joke than a serious train of thought. 

“You are right, what was I thinking?” She shoots back, the corners of her eyes gathering smile lines; “So what do you do for a living Sam?” 

“Uh, just a bit of everything. In between jobs at the moment.” I answer and she shoots me a side glance.

“Have I told you that you are a closed book?” She snorts lightly, “But I understand the need for wanting to keep your life private. We can always talk about something else?” She suggests and I was glad that she was doing her best to make this car ride comfortable. 

“Gabby. Really, you don’t have to fill every silence.” I reassure her, “I am in the car. I’m not going anywhere.” I nod, my eyes drifting back down to my cup.

How was it that I ended up in this car to begin with? What kind of twisted fate did Chuck have planned for me that I would end up with a female carbon copy of the love of my life, name and all? It really was all a sick joke. 

“I know. But I really want to get to know you, Sam.” She responds, her answer more serious than anticipated. “But I guess we can start with me first.” She lifts her left hand, brushing her curls behind her ear before continuing, “Recently I went ziplining at the Grand Canyon.” Even though she wasn’t looking at me, I could imagine her golden eyes sparkling in excitement. 

“It’s such a beautiful view. I went hiking, went up onto the sky trail, the whole thing really is amazing!” She gushes, letting out a long breath of enthusiasm.   
“I have never been. But if you have-” I start but she immediately cuts me off.   
“What do you mean you have never been?!” She gasps dramatically, feigning offense as she clutches at her chest.   
“I just... never had time I guess.” I shrug it off like it's no big deal.   
“We are going. Right now. It is literally an hour detour from where we are headed to see such an amazing place.” She exclaims, stubborn to her cause even when I try to resist.   
“But it’s snowing.” Is my last rebuttal.   
“That makes it the perfect time of year! We will just have to stop and get you something warmer to wear.” She laughs, peering over at my light weight jacket and jeans, “The last thing I need is you freezing to death on me.” 

The conversation fizzles out and I was totally fine with that, turning up the music once again just to hear her voice as she becomes lost in her own rhythm and jams along. 

The minutes slip by into hours and before I know it, we pull into a muddy carpark. Cars were vastly spaced apart and it looks like the store had just opened only a few minutes prior which is convenient timing. Begrudgingly slipping from the warmth of the small car, I stretch out my legs and shiver a little, crossing my arms over my chest. 

“Sammy~” She gestures for me to follow her into the store and my attention is drawn back from the overcast clouds. Greeted by a flush of warmth, I feel my teeth chattering come to a halt and relief flood my bones as we step inside the store. We are acknowledged by a few bored, dead eyed employees as we make our way to the men's section. 

“Ah! This one is perfect!” She makes a beeline for a lime green snow jacket and I quirk a brow at her.   
“No way.” I laugh, shaking my head as she pouts a little, placing it back and darts off to help me load up on plainer necessities. Socks, jocks, jackets, jeans, toothpaste, all the things that would be required for a trip that was longer than a day. I regretted not bringing all my stuff with me after the fight with Dean but I had no intention of going back to that motel that night and having stayed at Gabbys’ place, I was left with nothing more than the stuff on my back.

“Ok, I just need a phone charger and then we can head out.” I respond, arms full of items.   
“I will grab us a trolley, we are going to need some road snacks as well!” She nods, bouncing on her toes before zipping off to grab us a cart. 

I continue to aimlessly walk around when I stumble across a cute beanie, little bunny ears flopped on the side. I carefully place all my clothes down on top of a nearby display to get a closer look. Two long side straps fell below the bust of the mannequin, a little rounder at the end. I take them into my palms, squeezing them and to my surprise, the ears flap up. My eyes widen and I burst out into genuine laughter.

“What did you find?” She interrupts my thoughts, her small hands wrapped around the handle bars of a cart. She looks over curiously, her lips parting and forming an _oh._ She slips her own beanie off, tossing it into the metal cart before pulling the newly discovered bunny beanie onto her head. She giggles as she squeezes the ends and the ears flap up and down stiffly. 

“These are so freaking cute!” She muses, “Take a photo for me?” She asks as I fish out my low battery phone. I snap a few quick pictures before turning the phone to face her, Gabbys’ eyes shining with absolute delight.

“I absolutely must have this!” She keeps the bunny beanie on her head, now much happier as she helps me load my stuff into the trolley before making our way to electronics. 

“Sam. Did you get a hold of your brother this morning?” She asks, not minding the dingey wheel on the cart as she swerves around. Grabbing the cheapest charger available, I toss it in with my other items before leading her to the candy aisle.

‘Yeah. I guess.” I comment halfheartedly, not wanting to go into too much detail about the fact I received a simple ‘K’ as a response. Not only was my brother terrible at conveying any type of human emotions out loud but when he was angry, it only makes it that much worse. 

She nods in thought, remaining uncharacteristically quiet as begins dumping armfuls of candy into the cart.

“I’m getting a toothache just looking at all this stuff.” I mutter, trying to pick up more substantial items along the way that are not coated in glucose and sugar. 

Balancing it out, she finally finishes up and pushes the cart up to the checkout. She insists on paying before we make our way to the car. Pulling off the tags on my new jacket, I shrug it on and I feel instant relief against the winter chill. Loading up the trunk with all the items, she pulls out a pair of gummy bears and pushes them into her pocket. 

“Sam.” She hesitates, closing the trunk and redirects her attention to me. I wait patiently after a simple nod of my head, “I think it’s brave, what you did. I can tell you are very close to Cas and Dean, I can only imagine how bothered you are that you aren’t there to help them but they need to find their own way. If you force them together, they will just resent you later down the line.” She steps closer, fixing up my new jacket. Smoothing it out with her fingers, her maple syrup colored eyes flick up to meet mine, “If you need to talk or if you need some space. Tell me.” She gives me a small smile before vanishing to put the cart away.

I smile softly, appreciating her concern and attempt of comfort before sliding into the passenger seat. I brush the fallen snow off the sleeves of my jacket, running my hands through my almost too long hair as she slips into the driver's seat. 

“Alright Sambo, let’s get you to the Canyon.” With her fighting words, the hour-long drive was filled with music and minimal conversation. I was glad to be at ease; my mind having wandered to perhaps what Dean and Cas were doing at this very moment and I honestly hope that they sort their issues out. 

_How can two people be so blind to what is in front of them?_

As the town melts away to forest and then to a vast plane, the snow is thicker and more blanketed, the roads icy as she slows down. She pulls into a parking lot that was simply labeled; “Verkamps Visitor Center.” She shuts off the radio, turning into a car space. Luckily because of the weather, most people opted for not coming out today meaning the place is pretty much deserted. 

She looks over at me, noticing my solemn look. Perhaps this road trip was a bad idea. At first, I was enthralled with the thought of running away with this blonde for a while but now as we sit so far away from home in her mini cooper, I couldn’t help but feel a little homesick. I was always with Dean and Cas, so being away from them was such an oddity. 

I thought maybe she might say something, even offer to just leave me here with my sour attitude so I could find my way home but she takes a hold of the ends of her beanie, squeezing the small pumps and her ears flap up and down on the rabbit head. I couldn’t help but smile, she looks absolutely ridiculous and adorable. With that simple action all my concerns slip away. With her, I don’t need to try. I don’t need to be smart and witty. With her, I'm just Sam. No pressure to be a hunter. Just the awkward, sad stranger she met last night. 

“Let’s go see this Canyon.” I slip out of the car, adjusting my newly bought scarf around my neck. She hops around to my side, checking over me to make sure I am warm enough. I roll my eyes, insisting that I really am fine and for her to stop worrying so much. 

“I just don’t want to have to call an ambulance and explain to your brother that I let you freeze and become a popsicle.” She huffs, looking up at me.

I laugh, nudging her gently, “Come on. Let’s go see this view you are bragging about, yeah? We can take some photos.” She stops in her tracks, holding her hand out. 

“Phone please.” She asks and I seem a little confused, handing it over without a fight.

“Why do you-” I stop my question as she pushes it into her pocket and zips it up.

“When you see something extraordinary, if you are taking photos, are you really experiencing it?” She asks, swaying a little on her feet as she brushes the off the snowflakes that cling to her lashes.

“Well, yeah.” I frown a little, wondering where she is going with this and how this justifies kidnapping my phone. 

“No. You aren’t. You become so focused on getting the perfect photograph to show others that you lose yourself in that moment. You don’t take the time to enjoy it. You don’t take the time to breathe in the air, feel the breeze on your skin and just... live.” She breathes out, small clouds of air puffing from her lips. “So, for this experience, just, trust me and try it.” She smiles softly, “We can buy postcards at the shop for your brother and Cas. I promise.” She hums out and whilst her thinking that they would at all enjoy something like that was really sweet, I know Dean would just quirk a brow and Cas would wonder why I would bring him back a card with a picture on it.

I nod, deciding to trust her as she slips her hand into mine. Being careful, she trudges through the icy mud and pulls me along a path that seems familiar to her. 

“You seem like the kind of person to always worry about others to the point where you no longer enjoy just existing.” She hums out, eyes glued to the ground. “Don’t worry so much about what’s to come.”

I nod, taking her words in. Was I really that transparent of a person? Had I lost my youth and sense of wonder so young to the point that I no longer enjoyed the little things? Had I really become so numb and having given up on everything good for my future? 

“Sam. I can hear your brain ticking over into overdrive. Focus on now.” She reminds me softly, her eyes meeting mine and I smile sheepishly. I nod, giving her hand an affectionate squeeze. 

She leads me out to the viewing deck. Although we were knee deep in snow, she looks like this is the most excited she has ever been. She stops dead center in the middle of the deck. She looks around before focusing back on me, “What do you think?” 

The view is absolutely breath taking; thousands of years' worth of rocks that have eroded and broken down over the centuries, are now dusted with snow as far as the eye can see. Even though the sky was grey, slithers of lights peeked through the clouds to illuminate the dark valleys. 

I was absolutely speechless and it wasn’t because my socks and pants were now soaked with icy water. 

“It really is beautiful.” I breath out, looking down at her and smiles brightly.

“And if you were taking pictures, you would have missed it.” She murmurs. I nod, leaning on the railing. I don’t even notice that she has disappeared until a hard clump of wetness smacks into my shoulder. I let out an _oof_ in surprise. 

I turn around and she has the goofiest smile on her face, bending down as she starts to mold up another snowball.

“Hey!” I laugh, bending down to scoop up my own ball of snow. She throws it half-heartedly and runs, her bunny ears flapping quickly behind her as she flees. I chase after her and with the fact I am almost double her height, I catch up to her in no time. I scoop her up with my free arm and she tries to wiggle away, giggling manically even as I press the snowball against her cheek gently. 

“Ahh! This isn’t fair.” She whines softly, a pout on her lips as she tries to free herself.   
“Says the one who attacked me unarmed.” I snort, placing her down and she flops down onto the snow, her cheeks all flushed as she laughs. Sitting up, she grabs my hand and tugs me to lay down next to her in the icy mud. She begins to make snow angels and I honestly can’t think of another time I was whole heartedly happy like this. 

The rest of the day goes by in a blur. We grab coffee at the café and warm up before heading to the gift store. She convinces me to get a few postcards to remember the day. As the sun begins to set, we find a motel nearby to stay at for the night before we head to Vegas in the morning. 

After grabbing dinner from a diner, we then decide to turn in. We sleep in separate beds after a simple goodnight. I fall asleep almost instantly but thankfully with my light sleeping habits, I was stirred awake around midnight from a soft whimper. 

“Gabe?” I sit up, tiredly rubbing my eyes as I squint through the darkness.   
“Oh, Sam. Sorry, go back to sleep.” She sniffles a little and I hear her slip from her covers and heads to the bathroom. With a click of the door, the light beams out from underneath the door in a yellow block. 

Scooting from my own bed, I follow behind. I rap on the door, leaning my forehead against the wood. 

“Gabby, hey. What happened, are you alright?” I ask, extremely concerned as I could hear her trying to muffle her sobs through the door. 

She doesn’t respond but that doesn’t lessen my worry. I sit on the edge of my bed, twisting my fingers in my sweatshirt. It must have been close to half an hour when she emerges. She flicks the light off, clearly jumping a little as she notices me sitting on the edge of the mattress.

“Sam. I- you should have gone back to sleep. I told you I'm fine.” She insists. The soft moonlight through the window made it easy to see her outline as she smooths down her hair and rubs her swollen eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep.” I comment, moving to my feet and shuffles to stand in front of her. She shies away at first but I reach down and catches her face between my palms. “Talk to me. Like you said, I’m here for you. If you need to talk.” I speak quietly, brushing my thumbs over her tear stained cheeks. 

“Ok, but please don’t pity me. I couldn’t stand it if you looked at me differently.” She mumbles, brushing my hands away from her face as she rubs her congested nose. She moves past me, settling down on my covers. She runs her hand over her face, sniffling as I sit down beside her. I wait patiently until she is ready.

“Ever since my accident I have been having this reoccurring nightmare.” She starts off, staring down at her hands. I don’t pry into her accident as I was sure she would tell me in her own time if she wants me to know.

“I am trapped, in darkness. Floating in absolute nothingness. I scream. I yell for help and nothing. No one can hear me, no one can save me. I’m just utterly and totally alone.” She whimpers a little, another round of tears streaming down her face.

“Hey. Hey, it’s ok.” I wrap my arms around her and pulls her into a hug. I rest her head against my chest as I run my fingers through her matted curls. rest my chin atop of her head, dropping my hand to rub her back comfortingly. 

“I can’t imagine how you must feel. But I want you to know, I am right here for you. I am not going anywhere.” I breath out, holding her close. 

Her tears dry up and she nuzzles into my shoulder a little, hiccupping. “I am so sorry I woke you up.’ She mumbles.   
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I respond gently.

I don’t know how long I stay up with her, but before I know it, she is asleep again leaning against my chest. I gently scoop her up, placing her down in my bed and pulls the blanket up over her shoulders. 

“Sleep peacefully, Gabriel.” 


	6. Plants, Porn, & Pining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean doesn't know what to get Cas for his birthday, watches some porn and has an awkward dinner with Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the update! Feel free to follow me on Tumblr @sweetteamultifandom
> 
> I update every Sunday.

_*Deans POV*_

I have always tried to make Sammy's birthday special. 

When we were younger, it was difficult. I would usually have to steal or use my pocket money to buy him a present. I would do my best to make the most of staying in another three-star motel with no father in sight.

As we got older, he began to resent his birthdays and they lost all meaning. I was now lucky to get him to even have a birthday beer with me. 

But Cas. He has never had a birthday. I wasn’t sure of his expectations let alone what I should get him. I try texting Sam but am met with silence.

With a huff, I spend hours on Sams’ laptop, searching for ideas of what I could do to make this day special for him. Coming up blank, I slam the laptop closed and runs my palm down over my tired face. The angel looks up from his corner of the room where he was curled up with tea, a book settled on his lap.

“Are you alright Dean?” His voice laced with concern.

There was no way I could tell him that his birthday is tomorrow and I have absolutely no idea what to get him or even how to celebrate. Despite him having no previous birthdays to compare it to, I knew he must have this picture-perfect idea in mind. 

“I’m fine.” I grumble, standing up. With a scrape of my chair and snatching up my jacket, heading to snatch up Babys’ keys. I could feel his eyes follow me out of the room. Fresh air seems like a good idea and maybe a walk around the mall might be great for inspiration. 

I was now three hours into my trip and the twitch in my upper lip has gotten worse and I am sulking around, shoulders hunched and a pout on my lips. Shopping is really not my thing. 

I hit the call button on my phone, once again met with Sam's voicemail. _What the hell is he doing that is so important?_

Something catches the corner of my eye and I stop in my tracks. Peering through the small boutique window, it reveals a small nursery. 

There is an array of plants lined up neatly along the windowsill, one in particular catches my attention. A soft white, half-moon shaped vase with a stem sprouting an array of delicate purple flowers. 

Intrigued, I step inside the dainty store to take a closer at the plant. Cas is always talking about gardening but being cooped up in the bunker doesn't allow him to act on such a luxury. Perhaps he could start growing them in his room? 

I feel the vibration of my phone and I pick it up, still twirling the pot in my hand. “Hello?” 

“Hey.” Sam's voice is annoyingly chipper on the other end of the phone.   
“Ugh. Where have you been man? I have been trying to contact you for days.” I scowl, placing the petite plant back on the shelf.   
“I know, I know, I'm sorry. -”   
“Sammy, who’s that?” A female voice coos on the other end of the line. My eyebrows shoot up in surprise.   
“You got a girl with you, Sam?” I smirk.   
“Shut up. It’s none of your business. So why did you call?” He inquires and my scowl returns, reluctantly dropping the subject.   
“Cas’ birthday is tomorrow and I don’t know what to get him.” I respond, a soft sigh slipping from my lips.   
“Cas’ birthday?” He inquires and I realize I didn’t tell him that I gave Cas a birthday, so I give him a brief rundown from the experience at the library and when he finally stops teasing me for being sentimental, he goes silent for a moment.

“Think Dean, it can’t be that hard. This is Cas we are talking about.”   
“I don’t want it to be a lame ass birthday present, man. This is his first.” I respond, seemingly annoyed that he isn’t getting the point.   
“My guess is that you have a present in mind already?” He asks and I scuff my shoe on the linoleum floor, clicking my tongue.   
“Maybe. Yes. Ok, A plant.” I respond dumbly.   
“A... plant. You are going to buy Castiel a plant?” He deadpans through the phone and I feel the heat creep up onto my cheeks.   
“Bitch. Don’t start with me.”   
“Jerk.”   
“He likes gardening and stuff, right? Why is a plant a bad gift?”   
“It’s not. What type of plant?”   
“One with flowers and crap on it.”   
“One with...Dean, come on man.”   
“Ok, it’s got a tag on here. Give me a moment. Aha, ok. It’s called an Aster plant.” 

I hear Sam whisper something to someone else before snickering. 

“Asshat. What are you giggling about?”   
“Nothing, nothing. I think it’s a great gift. What about you get him some herbs to grow too. You know, for cooking?” My eyes light up, feeling much more confident with that in mind. Cas had said he wants to help more around the house and this will be a great start for him. Something that also incorporates his interests. 

“Thanks. Now get back to your lady friend.”   
“Shut up.” He scowls, hanging up the phone as I shove my own mobile deep into my jeans. I place the Aster plant on the counter, making my way back to gather up some herbs; basil, mint, rosemary and thyme. I collect a small watering can with a yellow bee on it and a few tools he can use to repot the plants if need be. 

Feeling fairly pleased with the presents, I make my way through the mall and collects a few last-minute things; A cake, balloons and streamers. All the usual party favors including fireworks as I know he will love them. 

Proud of my small achievement today, I manage to sneak back into the bunker, sliding the cake into the fridge and hiding everything else in the depths of my room after fighting with the sticky tape for a fair while as I did my best to shit-ily wrap up the bundles of plants. 

“Dean? Is that you?” I hear Cas call out through my door and I glance around, the wrapping paper and plants strewn around the bedroom messily. It looks like a madhouse in here and I couldn’t have him see it. 

“Yeah, just a sec.” I shout back, pushing all the crap under the bed and dusting the fallen soil from the covers. Deeming it reasonable, I settle back on the edge of the mattress. “Come in.” 

“Sorry, I just wanted to know if you were hungry? I was thinking of ordering a pizza.” He pushes the door open, hovering under the frame as he peeks into my room. My eyes graze down over his very unusual attire. He is usually covered head to toe; ugly sweaters, suits, you name it. Never had I ever seen him only adorned in a towel. A very _low_ riding one at that. 

My tongue flicks out involuntarily over my bottom lip. He has such a firm build; taunt chest, broad shoulders, dark skin and the subtle trail of hair that disappears from his navel to underneath the soft blue towel. 

“Dean?” He asks again, eyes meeting mine innocently enough as I try to fight the growing tightness in my pants. 

“Yeah. Whatever. Pizzas good.” I answer like a caveman as he just nods, totally unaware as he slips out of my room and closing the door with a click behind him. 

I fall back and hits the mattress with a soft _oof_ _._ I let out a soft grunt, closing my eyes as I try to gather my scattered thoughts. 

I have thought of Cas intimately before. There have been times where no matter how hard I try to repress those urges, I can’t help it. They are always vague fantasies, his deep voice urging me on. 

Now his mostly naked body is etched into my brain, burned into the back of my eyelids. Those repressed, lustful feelings that I always have buried deep down inside me are clawing their way out. 

_I could just imagine pining him against the wall, biting along_ _his_ _supple skin and pawing at him through the towel in some kind of desperate, passion driven craze._

_Jeez, what was I even thinking? He is my best friend for crying out loud._ _He's FAMILY._ _The poor guy just came to ask about dinner and now I'm in here fantasizing about all the different ways I would make that angel scream._

_Could I? I mean, I had never been with a man before. Could it really be that different? Apart from the obvious of course. Just because I'm having lewd fantasies means nothing. Fantasies and actually acting them out were entirely two different things._

_Maybe-_

I take a deep breath, standing up to listen out for Cas’ heavy footsteps but the bunker has fallen silent yet again, the presents now forgotten under my bed. With a weird surge of courage and lack of will power with the chubby I had formed in my own tight jeans, I pick up my phone. Turning the volume low, I bring up a familiar tab. 

I feel strangely nervous as I tap at the dimly lit screen. No one is here to judge, or criticize me. Only myself. 

That knawing feeling is creeping back up and doubt is clawing its way in but I would be damned if I let it ruin this moment. Gay or not, I was working this out right now. 

With a burst of spontaneous determination, I click on the drop bar and moves over to gay porn. My fingers hesitate as I scroll through the countless videos, unsure what it was I was even looking for. Some of these looked overdone and very uncomfortable. 

But there is a video that catches my attention. 

Two brunettes, one in a tailored suit and the other dressed down in a simple t-shirt and jeans. The latter is kneeling down in front of the suited man, hands tied behind his back and his hair grasped tightly in the grip of the other male. 

It isn’t necessarily explicit, even as I click on the video.

As it plays on, I realize I was more curious than turned on. But as the video progresses and the kneeling male pleads to be fucked, I could imagine Cas’ little, knowing smirk; the subtle squint of his eyes as he replies in a sultry _no._ I feel my stomach tighten, blood rushing south as my breath hitches. 

As the t-shirt clad male chokes on the other males’ cock, making the lewdest of noises, my imagination begins to run wild. if I imagine it as _Cas-_

I could imagine it with ease; his no nonsense voice egging me on, lewd praises slipping from his lips. I drop my hand down hesitantly to adjust myself within my jeans, a growing warmth filling the pit of my stomach. 

It isn’t these guys I am aroused by, it’s Cas. 

_Mother fucker._

Now how am I supposed to have dinner with him? Working out my feelings, sure. I could take my time with that, wait to explore those things, but sex? That is something I am never really good at taking my time with. I always give in to those urges. Now I have Castiel, the angel prancing around the bunker in a towel. 

I mentally smack myself. 

_What is wrong with me?_ Switching the porn off, I toss it aside without a second thought and desperately reaches for the sexuality book Cas had leant me. Even as I flick through the pages, I was disappointed with the lack of neon sign, telling me that this is normal for me to feel.

_Fuck. I am such a mess._

Maybe I need to talk to someone? I mean- I couldn’t talk to Cas, what an awkward, twisted turn of fate that would be. Sam- No, no and no. 

Ugh, this is getting too weird. I need dinner. But first- 

I look down at the clear outline of my boner, mentally cursing myself. Something straight. The opposite of anything Cas related.

I flick open my bookmarks, immediately scoping out Busty Asian Beauties. Clicking on a much-repeated video, I unbuckle my jeans and frees myself of both my pants and boxers, before slipping off my shirt. Tossing them aside, I lean against my headboard and fumbles through my nightstand for the half used bottle of lube. Squirting a generous amount onto my palm, I settle in and plays the video. 

It starts off as usual, a beautiful long-haired Asian girl in a tight one piece and leg warmers, walking up a few flights of stairs. I am graced with a few shots of her ass and breasts as she walks, slow and intimate. She checks herself out, posing in the mirror as she reveals the most intimate parts of herself, running her hands down over her sensual curves and brushing her hand down over her crotch. It flashes to her stripping out of her one piece, going completely nude as she begins to work out in probably the sexiest way imaginable. Then of course the usual follows; some random guy shows up and she immediately drops to her knees, dick in mouth within seconds.

Cliché, but man this girl is hot. I brush my hand down over my exposed length and to the base of my curled hair. My digits slide up, habitually gripping the shaft as my thumb presses down over my pre-leaking tip, the cool liquid making my legs quake and my back arches up a little. A tingle shoots down my spine, an involuntary shutter as I spread my thighs further apart. My fingers grasp a little tighter, sliding my fingers up and down rhythmically.

I could imagine myself being that guy, her messy moans and eager mouth making it easy to focus on as I allow my lids to flutter shut. The women's face is replaced with no other than Castiel.

_Swollen lips, begging for more. Begging to taste me. Matted, black hair. Tanned skin. Calloused fingers dragging down over my thighs. Oh god-_

I could feel the heat tightening in my stomach, the twisted reality contorting into bliss as I fuck into my hand. My moans grew a little louder, no longer trying to hide what I was doing. With a burst of colors and lights, my cum shoots out in white ribbons, coating my lower stomach as my mind remains in a dizzy, sexual fantasy. 

_I was fucked._

I let my body relax, heart racing as I come down from my post-orgasmic high. I catch my breath, licking over my dry lips. Still in a daze, I reach down and snatches up a rogue shirt that lay nearby. I wipe the sticky cum from my stomach and thighs, cleaning off my fingers. Despite smelling like sex, I was too worn out to shower. It was pizza and then bed for me.

I stand up and shuffles to the edge of my mattress, taking a moment to clear my head and my thoughts, pushing it all back down to the darkest depths where I had kept them for so long. I pull on an old sweatshirt and jeans, rinsing my hands off in the bathroom before making my way to the smell of hot pizza. Peeking into the living room, I was glad to see Cas fully dressed in one of my old jerseys and sweat pants. 

“Hey why didn’t you call me?” I ask, trying my best to act natural and not think too much about what had just occurred in my room.   
“Uh...sorry.” He murmurs and whilst I thinks it’s a little weird, I ignore it and flops down beside him on the two-seater couch.   
“Beer, perfect.” I announce, leaning forward and snatches up the glass bottle. I take a box for myself, leaning back as I rest my bare feet up on the wooden coffee table. 

We remain quiet and I pick up a piece of cheesy pizza, ignoring the strange tension. I take a bite of the dough, sneaking glances at him. 

_Has he always smelt this good? Even over the pizza, his strong scent of cinnamon and cardamom overpower_ _s_ _the tomato and meat._

“Have you heard anything from Sam?” He asks, breaking the silence and I was glad he did or else I was probably going to become more awkward the longer dinner went on. 

“Yeah, actually I have.” I was glad for the distraction, swallowing the lump of pizza still in my mouth, washing it down with a swig of icy beer before responding, “It seems Sammy has run away with a girl.” I grin.

“A girl? Really?” He seems surprised before softening into a smile, “I’m glad. Did he seem happy?” He asks, picking the sausage off his pizza slowly.   
“Happy? I guess so.” I frown a little, placing my box down and wipes the film of grease off my palms and onto my sweats. 

He studies my face, eyes boring into mine and searches for something. “You don’t know.” He murmurs and the crease deepens between my brows.

“Don’t know what? What are you talking about?” I let my thumb gently flick at the glass rim of my bottle. 

“I really don’t know if it is my place to say.” He seems conflicted, placing his slice down and sitting up a little taller.

“Please, tell me.” Everything seems lost for a moment, “Is it about Sammy?” 

He seems to fight within his own mind a little longer, before nodding. He shuffles forward, lacing his fingers together as he perches on the edge of the chair. 

“You remember Gabriel?” I nod, “Well, Sam was in love with him. I could see it, when they looked at each other. Passing moments. But Gabe died before Sam could tell him. The regret and loss devastated him. I was worried his heart would never truly heal. It was an injury I couldn’t fix.” His voice was soft and I had a bunch of questions, but the most pressing was the fact that I never knew. 

“Why didn’t he--?” The words caught in my throat and I was hoping that he could fill in what I was trying to say. 

“I think saying it out loud would have made it too real for him.” He responds, reaching out to gently rest his palm on arm.

“But, I could have helped him.” I argue, feeling a sense of anger build up.

“Dean. Can you imagine what he was going through? Loving Gabriel was one thing but saying it out loud? Worried about coming out? And then having that love ripped away?” He squeezes my arm and I pull it away, a sense of grief washing over me. It wasn’t the reminder of loss for Gabriel, but the loss that Sammy felt and I didn’t even notice. 

“I-” I clear my throat, placing down my half-finished bottle of beer. “I’m going to head to bed.”

I stand up, averting my eyes but Cas is much faster.

“Dean.” He moves closer, resting his hands on my upper arms as he tilts his head habitually to the left a little. His eyes are soft but his brows are furrowed, trying to read me. Something he has mastered over the years as I feel his fingers digging into my skin a little as if he is afraid that I am going to run, “Not knowing Sam felt this way about someone, it’s not your fault. Losing Gabriel, going through that heartbreak? It’s not. Your. Fault.” He reiterates, “I know you are going to take on this burden like his death and Sams’ grief is your fault like you could have prevented either. But that’s not true. You are a good brother. A great one. Sam is fine. Happy even. Focus on now and don’t linger on what you didn’t know.” He steps forward and unexpectedly, pulls me into a hug. One arm over my shoulder and the other around my waist. 

His hug is warm and I feel the knots that were building up in my heart, the thoughts that were pinging around my head falls silent and I relax. I wrap my arms around him, giving him a comforting squeeze.

“Thank you.” I rest my chin on his shoulder, a low sigh slipping from my lips. 

“Sam doesn’t blame you for not knowing. He has grieved and moved on. All you can do now is be supportive of his new girl. He deserves happiness. You both do.” He murmurs softly, releasing me from the hug.

He looks up at me, arms slowly slipping from around me as he slides his hands into his pockets, “Good night, Dean. Sleep well.” He bows his head, turning on his heel and heading towards his bedroom.

“Night Cas.” I breath out as I watch him disappear down the hall. 


	7. Confessions In A Diner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Gabby become a little more open about their past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy! If you want to see what else i'm working on, feel free to follow me on Tumblr: @sweetteamultifandom.
> 
> New chapter updates every sunday.

_*Sam POV*_

When I wake up in the morning, I half expect her to be gone. 

Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I wince at the bold sunlight peeking through the slats of the cheap motel blinds. 

I curl further under the weight of the duvet, the warmth begging me to return to my previous slumber. 

“Sam! Finally, you’re awake! Let’s hit the road!” I hear her chirpy voice before I see her. She pounces on the edge of my bed, eyes wide and bright with her glowing smile as she shakes my leg, trying to get me out of my cozy caccoon. I let out an involuntary groan, squinting at her. 

She is already dressed in her pink puffer jacket, snow boots and skinny jeans. Her short hair is pulled into two loose braids, curls framing her face and her make up light. 

It is like last night never happened and I would have thought that it didn’t if it wasn’t for the subtle red lines and tired bags that hang low despite the concealer under her usually bright eyes. 

“Gabby, about last-” I start but the slight creep of flushed embarrassment on her cheeks stops me in my tracks. 

“I will go grab us coffee, you get ready to go, alright?” The slight slip in her mask is gone yet again, a fake smile plastered on her face that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. 

With a flurry of bright cotton and blonde hair, she slips outside into the cold winter air. Reluctantly pulling myself out of the warm sheets, I strip down to nothing and heads to the bathroom. Turning the water on full blast, the shaky shower head bursts to life and spurts out as much hot water as it can possibly muster. 

I step under the streaming water, letting the hot water sear my skin and relax every muscle in my body. The steam curls around the room, frosting the glass as I drop my head under the water. It is nice, to just... be. 

My peace and quiet is short lived as the shower head splutters and the water blasts out cold, making me let out a very effeminate squeal. It is a rude awakening from the heated bliss I was enjoying only moments ago and I turn off the taps instantly, goosebumps flush over my skin and a sulky pout forms on my lips. 

_She must have used up all the hot water._ With a soft sigh, I climb out of the shower and wraps a towel around my waist. Deciding to just drip dry, I wipe my feet on the bath mat and makes my way back to my bed. Settling down on the mattress, I glance at the night stand to notice she has placed my phone on charge for me. 

A small smile settles on my lips, the slight discontentment I had for her using up all the hot water slips away. It was a small gesture but I really appreciated it. 

Turning my phone on, I slip the towel from around my waist and pats myself down. Tossing the damp cloth onto the bed, I slide on one of my new flannel shirts and jeans and was greeted with the smell of fresh clothes. 

My phone pinged. Once. Twice. Three, four, eight, ten. I looked at it in alarm, shuffling over to the night stand and unlocks my phone. Greeted with a spam of messages and missed calls from Dean, worry contorts in my lower stomach. 

_Did something happen? What if it’s an emergency and I didn’t have my phone on so he couldn’t reach me._

I immediately redial the number, Dean picking it up within mere seconds. I was greeted with a simple; _Hello._

“Hey.” I respond, a soft hum on my lips as I anxiously wait for some bad news.   
“Ugh. Where have you been man? I have been trying to contact you for days.” I could hear him scowling through the phone and I feel guilty.   
“I know, I know, I'm sorry. -”   
“Sammy, who’s that?” I turn on my heel, noticing that Gabriel has returned, steaming coffee and muffins in hand. She tilts her head, a small smile on her lips as she places everything down on the kitchen counter.   
“You got a girl with you, Sam?” Dean teases down his end of the line.   
“Shut up. It’s none of your business. So why did you call?” I snap in return, wondering what the emergency could be with him being this calm.   
“Cas’ birthday is tomorrow and I don’t know what to get him.” He responds and I am surprised. _This is what he was so frantic over?_   
“Cas’ birthday?” I ask as he gives me a run down about the fact that he gave Cas a birthday, so he gives me a brief rundown from the experience at the library and when I finally stop teasing him for being sentimental, I fall silent, Gabby taking a seat next to me as she gently smooths out my wet hair without a word. _It feels nice, to have someone fussing over me in such a domestic way._

“Think Dean, it can’t be that hard. This is Cas we are talking about.” I let out a low sigh.   
“I don’t want it to be a lame ass birthday present, man. This is his first.” He growls in return.   
“My guess is that you have a present in mind already?” I inquire, already knowing the answer.   
“Maybe. Yes. Ok, A plant.” He blurts out.   
“A... plant. You are going to buy Castiel a plant?”   
“Bitch. Don’t start with me.”   
“Jerk.”   
“He likes gardening and stuff, right? Why is a plant a bad gift?”   
“It’s not. What type of plant?”   
“One with flowers and crap on it.”   
“One with...Dean, come on man.”   
“Ok, it’s got a tag on here. Give me a moment. Aha, ok. It’s called an Aster plant.” 

I cover the speaker on my phone, a silly grin on my face as I look over at Gabby. Although she has no prior context and I wasn’t sure if she would understand, I say regardless; “Dean wants to buy Cas an Aster Plant.”   
“Does he know that is the symbol for patience and love?” _God, she is perfect._ The thought distracted me momentarily and I smile at her stupidly like a giddy teenage boy. 

We both laugh quietly and I hear Dean snap through the phone; “Asshat. What are you giggling about?”   
“Nothing, nothing. I think it’s a great gift. What about you get him some herbs to grow too. You know, for cooking?” I suggest. 

“Thanks. Now get back to your lady friend.”   
“Shut up.” 

Hanging up the phone, I turn to her. “Thank you, for getting the coffee and breakfast.” I murmur, a smile tugging on the corners of my lips.   
“You are welcome. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything, if you ever need privacy just tell me.”   
“I know.” I breath out, gently tapping her chin in thanks before climbing to my feet and snatching up one of the muffins she brought back. 

It was warm, caramel glazing on top of chucks of banana and vanilla cake. I take a bite, letting out a gentle hum of approval as she reaches for her own cup of coffee. 

“So why is Dean buying Cas a plant? If you don’t mind me asking?” She peers up at me through her thick lashes, her honey eyes warm and alluring as she rocks a little on her heels.   
“Oh! It’s Cas’ birthday tomorrow.” I explain and she swats at my arm, her face scrunching up.   
“Yah! Why didn’t you say something earlier? Do you want to go home for it? We can head back?” She offers and I immediately shake my head.   
“I think they need a little more time, plus I can make it up to him when I get back.”   
“Should we go shopping today? We can find the perfect present for you to give him!” Her eyes light up, this time as genuine as the smile on her lips.   
“This is a vacation, you really don’t-” I start but she interrupts, her brows furrowing as her free hand lands on her hips, giving me _that_ look.   
“Sam. Castiel means a lot to you, I’m sure you will want to give him a present when you return home. I would love to be part of that experience and shop with you. Plus, I'm like a gift whisperer.” She laughs, eyes creasing up as she takes a sip out of her cup.   
“Alright, alright.” I chuckle, scooping up my steaming coffee and brings it to my lips. 

About an hour later, we are walking through a mall just north of Las Vegas. It is packed full of tourists, both old and young. Bellies full and determined to find the perfect gift for Cas, we weave between people and in and out of stores. 

“So what kind of stuff does Castiel like?” She asks, her rabbit beanie rightfully back on her head. Her cheeks were slightly flushed from the cold wind, lips bitten out of nervousness and lashes dusted with the light patter of rain from outside. _She looks adorable._

Clearing my throat, I process her question before responding; “Uh, gardening. He is getting more into baking?” I state with a slight flick of insecurity as she gently taps her chin in thought.   
“Ok, not much in the way of hobbies which is totally fine, what about tv? What does he like to watch?” She inquires.   
“Everything.” I laugh, thinking back to the times I have caught him staring at the TV in complete intrigue despite the lack of content.   
“Alright. What about his personality?” She asks, gently playing with the ends of her beanie.   
“Ugh, he’s nice?” I suggest as a response and she rolls her eyes, a grin on her face as she nudges me playfully.   
“Such a _guy_ response.” She flaps the ears as if to entertain herself before a lightbulb goes off in her head, “I’ve got it!” She announces, stopping in her tracks to face me. 

“Considering _someone!”_ She emphasizes, poking her tongue out playfully before continuing, “Doesn’t seem to know his bestie too well, what about we get him a bunch of useful, little things. You know? Like an apron, a gardening book, perhaps a dvd?” She shrugs, “Maybe introduce him to some new hobbies if he is interested? Like painting, maybe sculpting?” She wiggles her eyebrows and I laugh, warming to the idea. 

“Actually, that might be really fun. Let’s do it.” I announce, quite chuffed with her suggestion. 

By the end of the shopping spree we had put together a neat little box chocked full of presents; A digital camera, a “kiss the cook” apron (Gabby insisted), A gardening book and the first season of ‘Friends’ (Gabbys’ favorite show). 

“He is going to love these.” She announces, giddily hugging the shopping bags close as we shuffle back out into the bitter cold, slushing through the melted snow as I gently hold onto her arm so she doesn’t face plant the icy bitumen. 

“Are you hungry?” She asks, her golden eyes flicking up to meet mine. 

“I could eat.” I respond, reluctantly letting her go as I slip into the passenger seat and clicks my seat belt on. 

We both settle on burgers despite her insistence that they have the best chocolate fondue place in the world only a few blocks away. Stepping inside a quaint diner, luckily only being not much further down the strip, it is styled like the early 50s. To her delight it includes; the checkered floor and red vinyl seats, coupled with cute skater uniforms and an old timey record player in the corner. Scooping up the much too large menus at the counter, I give the waitress a polite greeting as she leads us to a free booth up the back. 

Tucking myself into the corner, I was honestly not surprised that she has darted off and now has her face pressed against the glass of the jukebox. Digging into her winter jacket, she pulls out her brightly colored coin purse and pushes a few quarters in. 

With the diner being quite full, the voices almost drown out the sound of the music but I manage to catch a few notes and hums along to the familiar rhythm. She slides into the seat across from mine, gently tipping my menu towards her so she can read it upside down, resting on her forearms as she sits up on her elbows. 

I become distracted by her almost instantaneously, the subtle crinkle of her nose in concentration and slight pout on her lips remind me of _him._ The happy buzz I have been holding onto all day slips from my grasp as my mind flashes back yet again to a memory of Gabriel; 

_Sammy! I can’t decide.” He announces dramatically, placing down the menu with an elongated sigh._   
_“It’s not that hard.” I snort in response, peering over at his_ _limited_ _choices._   
_“Maybe we can order the whole menu?” He suggests, half joking as the familiar smile creeps over his lips._   
_“I am not going to eat that much.” I laugh, “Just pick something!”_   
_“Hmm...” his nose crinkled up in the cutest way as he tries to think._

“Sam?” Gabby's voice interrupts my thoughts and I am dragged back to reality. I clear my throat, my brows furrowing.   
“Sorry.” I murmur, refusing to meet her eyes as I lean back against the vinyl cushion.   
“It’s fine. Where did you go? Are you alright?” She asks, gently brushing her hand over my forearm. 

_It’s not her fault she acts so much like him._

The small voice niggles inside my brain, taunting me for comparing my lost lover to my new friend. 

“Yeah, I'm alright. I promise.” I reassure her, “What are you going to order?” I ask, doing my best to change to subject.   
“Mm, a cheeseburger. Fries. A shake.” I catch her smile out of the corner of my eye, glad that she was playing along with my blatant lie. 

Waving over a waitress, I place the order for the both of us and returns the menus to the middle-aged woman with a smile. 

My eyes glance over Gabby and whilst this morning had been a great distraction, I could still see the subtle lines of sadness around the corners of her eyes. 

“Gabby, about last night-” I start off and she cuts me off with a glare, her lips immediately down turning.   
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Her words are sharp, her expression guarded. 

“Gabby.” I reach forward and brushes my fingers over her knuckles, showing her that I really mean no harm by my words and she visibly relaxes a little, “It’s perfectly normal to have nightmares, I have them too sometimes.” She watches me carefully, obviously still trying her best not to recall the events. I decide maybe my way to break through to her is to share my own trauma, my own pain. So she knows she isn’t alone. 

“My worst one is reoccurring. Always the same, I can never change it.” My brows furrow as I continue, her expression softening around the edges, “Last year, I lost someone I cared about before I could tell him how I felt. I regret it every day, and each night when I go to sleep all I see is his-” I swallow thickly, not wanting to rekindle the memory of the day he died in front of me; “So I get it. Some nightmares feel so incredibly real. So, you don’t need to be embarrassed. Or afraid. I understand.” 

Her hand turns over and she laces her fingers with mine, giving my palm a gentle squeeze. 

“I’m sure he knew, but I know you won’t ever forgive yourself. I'm so sorry Sam.” I give her a gentle smile, so glad she didn’t give me a look of pity. She takes a breath, clenching her jaw momentarily as the subtle crease between her brows reappears as she returns the favor with her own story; 

“A year ago, I had an accident. Apparently, I slipped while hiking and fell off the side of the trail and down the side of a cliff. I was rushed to hospital and whilst they managed to revive me, I had flat lined for a full minute. They said it was an absolute miracle.” Her words become bitter, a slight edge of disdain; 

“When I woke up, I had lost all memories from prior to the accident. All I remember is waking up in the hospital, I-” She squeezes my hand a little tighter, “I was told everything about myself by the few friends I apparently have, but I don’t remember them. They tried to jog my memory as I had no family to lean on. My parents died a few years ago and I don’t even remember them. No matter how hard I tried to return to my normal life, I felt like I didn’t fit in there. So, I packed up everything and just left. Since then I have been wandering from city to city and that’s when I met you in that bar. You are the first person to feel familiar to me since I woke up even though we have never met.” She sighs softly, “Sometimes when I fall asleep, I go back to the only thing I remember before the hospital. Floating in absolute nothingness, so alone and trapped in darkness. It’s...” She trails off, obviously not wanting to continue. Her left hand still clutching mine for support, she uses the edge of her sleeve to catch the stray tears that fall. “Sorry.” She mumbles, hastily brushing them away, eyes darting to stare out the window as a distraction. 

I don’t say anything, allowing her words to settle and resonate. We sit in silence, her eyes still clouded as I watch her silently. I brush my thumb gently over the back of her hand, trying to comfort her as much as I could with the table between us. _I couldn’t imagine how she must feel. Being alone and feeling so lost._

The waitress brings over our food and we both withdraw our hands. I drag my plate closer, although my gaze lingers on her a bit more. I _hated_ that look of sadness in her eyes that threatened our day together and I felt a tinge of guilt. I had put a damper on such a fun day. 

She begins to eat slowly, mindlessly dipping fries into ketchup and I can’t help the smile tugging on the corners of my lips at the ketchup that was building at the corners of her mouth. I lean forward, gently brushing the sauce away with my thumb. She seems surprised by the gesture but her hidden smile fully blooms, her cheeks a soft pink as squashes the burger down in between her petite hands. The intimate confessional now swept away with the wind, now nothing more than a hazed past time. I feel closer to her, more open and honest. 

I was bearing my heart to a complete stranger but I wasn’t terrified. She understood pain. She understood the feeling of being lost. It was strangely comforting, I didn’t feel so alone. 

I nudge her snow boot under the table with my foot, a quirked smile on my lips as I squish down my own burger to consume. 


	8. Happy Birthday, Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy the update! To see what else i'm working on, feel free to check out my tumblr; @sweetteamultifandom

The loud, persistent buzzing of my phone drags me out of my blissful sleep. I roll over with a loud groan, slamming the dismiss button on the alarm with a wide yawn. After a moment of tired contemplation with only wanting to snuggle further under the blankets and sleep longer, I force myself out of my warm blankets. With bleary eyes and stiff muscles, I drag the decorations to the living room. 

The room is fairly plain, drawn velvet curtains in the corner offered a hint of light as I began to blow up the colorful balloons. Pinching my fingers a few times as I tied one after the other, it wasn’t long before I was light headed and proud of my work. I hang them up around the room along with streamers which was also a pain in the ass (why do they tear so easily?!). After pulling out the tape, my job became a lot easier. Those balloons and streamers were never moving with the amount of tape I had used. Pretty happy with the results, I grab Cas’ presents and line them up on the coffee table. 

Finishing up in just under an hour, I take a moment to admire my work before going to ‘wake’ the angel who was probably reading at this point of the morning, last night's activities pushed to the back of my mind. 

I tap ever so gently on his door, twisting the metal knob and nudges it open. Cas sits up, pushing the covers from his lap. His tousled, dark hair is in a cute, tangled mess on top of his head, his sky-blue eyes squint blearily, taking a moment to focus on me through the dimness of the room. He curls his arms around his romance novel, hugging it to his sweater-clad chest.

“Mornin-” He murmurs, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.   
“Were you up all night reading?” I ask curiously, stepping into his dimly lit room and settles down on the edge of his bed.   
“Maybe.” His lips tug up into a sheepish smile and I couldn’t help but follow suit as I quirk a brow.   
“Well, now that I am awake how about we celebrate your birthday?” I ask, climbing to my feet as I take the book from his hands. “How many times have you read this?” I was amused, brushing my fingers over the creased pages.   
“Too many. But I never get bored.” He slides out from under the sheets, adjusting his sweat pants.

“I should have guessed.” I mumble, reaching my hand out and hesitantly laces my fingers with his. He doesn’t question it or even let go. He remains still, waiting for my next move. I tug him to follow me, squeezing his hand ever so gently. 

“Where are we going?” He asks, his free hand brushing through his matted hair impatiently and I hide a smile. I don’t reply but I do turn to face him just as we step into the living room.

It was totally worth it. All the pinched skin on my fingers, the tumble of swear words as I cursed the ripped paper streamers and mounds of duct tape I tore through. Just for that very moment, that priceless look on his face. His eyes were wide, blinking a few times as his lips form to say a few words but they all fall flat. 

“An angel? Speechless?” I tease lightly and he shoots me a playful glare.   
“Shut up.” He scoffs, eyes still roaming around the room.   
“Happy birthday Cas.” I soften, dropping his hand and gestures towards the coffee table. “I bought you something.” I rub the back of my head, fluffing out my hair nervously. 

I settle down on the overstuffed couch as he sits down beside me, tentatively picks up one of the terribly wrapped gifts. I was incredibly nervous; _what if he hates it? It was such an awful idea to get a plant for him, what was I even thinking?_

“You bought me a present.” He states, fingers brushing over the delicate wrapping paper before ever so gently pulling it open. He is so careful as if ripping it was going to hurt my feelings in some way which I think is pretty damn cute. 

As he pulls out the plant, he stares at it blankly. His head quirks in a familiar way, eyes narrowing at the potted flowers. I am immediately taken aback, wondering if this was the biggest mistake of my life.

“If you don’t-” I start only to be cut off as he breaks into the biggest, most genuine smile I have ever seen.   
“Dean. I love it. Do you know what plant this is?” He asks, eyes shining as he recounts something he obviously read in a book, entirely lost in his own mind as he spills; “This Astearea plant. It typically grows in summer and fall but they make great house plants. They only need partial sunlight which will be perfect as the bunker is so secure and access to light will be quite limited. It is most known for being an ancient flower, symbolizing both unwavering love and patience. I remember seeing these a few times in my very short visits down to earth over the millennia.” He brushes his long fingers gently over the petals and I couldn’t look away. I could honestly sit here and listen to him gush over a plant all day even if I was only half listening. 

He cradles the small plant in his left hand and with his right, an invisible grace curls over the leaves making them lush and vibrant as he drags his fingers over the stem. His eyes glow with absolute joy and I couldn’t help the slight, giddy flush that crawls over my cheeks. 

“I’m glad you like it.” I clear my throat and he turns to look at me momentarily before returning his gaze to the plant.   
“Thank you, Dean.” He murmurs.   
“Open your other presents, yeah? I will go make us something to eat.” I pull myself up to stand and slips away to the kitchen. 

The rest of the morning rolls by quickly into the afternoon, Cas having huddled in his room with his enormity amount of plants now neatly lined up upon the top of his dresser. Although he had soft soil marks on his usually tidy cuffs, his smile never dimmed even after I pulled him away to eat.

“So, what do you want to do today, birthday boy?” I ask, stabbing at my omelet and pushing the yolky goodness into my mouth.   
“I... never really thought about it.” He admits, taking a sip of his steaming cup of coffee.   
“How about things you have always wanted to do here on Earth that we have never had time for?” He seems to take my suggestion on board, his eyes squinting a little in his familiar way as I can almost hear his brain ticking. 

“I have always wanted to go to the beach? Gabriel always said it was one of Fathers’ greatest gifts. To have so much life living beneath the surface, to feel the sand beneath your toes. It sounds...very human.” He sets himself on that idea, sapphire eyes darting up to meet mine, “Is there a beach nearby?” He questions and I mentally search through my memory bank for where the closest one might possibly be. 

“There aren’t really any beaches in the traditional sense around here Cas, but I have a place in mind that you might like.” A smile pulls at the corner of my lips as he nods in response, clearly quite thrilled with his decision. 

Cleaning up the dishes, I pack up beers and I tuck his cake into an icy cooler as he vanishes to fuss over his plants one last time before we leave. I take my time as I load up the Impala, being met with a bright Cas. 

Piling into Baby, I turn on his Cassette; knowing he loved every track that I put on it. The first song breaks the silence; Achilles Last Stand by Led Zeppelin. I roll down my window, starting her up with a roar as Cas sings along to the song quietly. 

I pull out of the bunker parking bay and turns onto the dirt road with a crunch of gravel. A few minutes pass and I let my eyes pull from the familiar path to glance at him. His left arm is half out the window, his fingers moving gracefully along with the pull of the wind. His head is leaning back against the leather comfortably as his eyes are chasing the passing landscape. 

My heart thumps against my chest and my mouth dries as he turns his head, a half smile playing on his lips. He doesn’t say anything but the scene feels so wonderfully _domestic._

His hand slides over and laces his fingers with mine before redirecting his attention back out the window. With my heart in my throat, I hesitantly slide my thumb along the side of his hand in a comforting way.

We stay that way for the rest of the trip. The cool day that was previously sunny is now threatening with grey clouds and cold winds as the hours tick by. I pull into the almost empty parking lot. He leans down to slide off his scuffed dress shoes and rolls up the end of his slacks. I follow his lead, stepping out of the car as he hesitantly slides out, stepping from the concrete to the greyish sand. I shrug on my jacket, crossing my arms to block out the gush of window. 

He stands barefoot in the sand, clearly disappointed. His lips are downturned, eyebrows furrowed as he obviously had this picture in mind but the result are less than satisfactory. He trudges closer to the water but his expression only grows more sour as I follow behind quietly. 

“Dean. I know it is the middle of winter and I expected the water to be quite cool, but even the sand is nothing more than soggy mud. This is not quite how Gabriel described.” He murmurs, “Even the sea animals, it is all just...noise.” He lets out a gentle sigh, obviously doing his best not to show his disappointment. I could tell with his fading grace that not everything had that magical touch that it used to, becoming human is a cruel fate. It’s tiring. Boring. Exhausting.

“Cas buddy. Listen. We just came at the wrong time of year, alright?” I clap him on the shoulder, tilting my head a little in hopes of catching his wandering eye line.

“We will come back here again in the summer. When the sand is warm, tourists are loud and we see way too much skin on sunbaking, wrinkly old men, yeah?” I jest a little, nudging him with my shoulder and I watch as he nods, his face softening around the edges.

“I’m sorry. For dragging you all the way out here for a ridiculous fantasy.” His voice is smooth and I immediately reject it, waving him off, “You wanted to come here for your birthday. Your choice. Today is all for you.” 

He nods, shrugging off his tan over coat and tosses it onto the sand. Next was his jacket and tie before my brain begins to piece together what’s happening. 

“Cas-” I was going to insist that it is going to be cold, that with the murky looking water there was no way to guess what is lingering below the surface. But I hesitate, especially when his fingers expertly move down to begin undoing his dress shirt. He slides the cotton shirt from his shoulders, moving onto his thick belt.

I feel like such a pervert, staring at him the way I was. He just looks so _beautiful._ His tan skin glows under the sunlight, revealing his smooth and taunt body in such an intimate way. His dark eyes turn to meet mine, making me feel weak at the knees. 

The way he holds himself is so sure, so confident within himself. He slides the belt from his waist, eyes still locked with mine. He seems full of curiosity, his eyes searching mine for answers I wasn’t sure I had. I couldn’t explain it, the way he makes me feel. 

“You know, I have never been conscious of time before. I have been alive since the beginning of it all. Time slips by without notice for us, it’s a human constraint it seems I am now shackled too.” His voice softens, “It seems I am becoming less and less myself every day. Becoming more human. Being tucked in this vessel, watching as I age is an entirely new experience. Even though it is absolutely enthralling, it still makes me realize how fragile a life really is.” His blue eyes flick to meet mine, “So what is it you want in this life, Dean? Before you go.” The question was serious and intense. 

“Me? I guess, I just go day by day.” I shrug halfheartedly, a frown burrowing between my brows as it really isn’t something, I think too much about. 

He goes quiet, seemingly contemplating my answer. I follow his eyeline and stares out at the now setting sun with a sense of comfort.

“You know Dean, you deserve to be happy.” He breathes out, so soft I almost don’t hear him. I stay quiet. We both know that no matter how many times he says it, I won’t believe him. He walks forward towards the water, taking a moment as the lapping waves beat at his chest before he dives beneath the surface. 

I fumble a little, knowing I would feel stupid just standing here as he paddles around in the ocean. I don’t even know if he could swim. I would be pissed at myself if he drowned. 

I mentally curse, reluctantly peeling off my warm layers and as the shirt pulls from my shoulders, I feel goosebumps trail over my legs and my nipples grow hard from the unexpected gush of cold air. Muttering a few profanities, I shuffle out to the water. As it laps around my ankles, the icy temperature is less than inviting. I stand still, Cas breaking the surface of the water and looks at me with a goofy grin. He moves closer, gesturing for me to come out to where he is. With a deep breath, I shuffle further in until the waves break at my hips.

“Dude. This is as far as I go. My johnson is gonna go blue and fall off, I’m not puttin’ my nipples through that as well.” I pull a face and makes it clear with a wave of my hand that I’m stubbornly going to stay put.

“You know Dean, you sometimes forget that I am a celestial being.” The words fall out of his mouth with ease but I have trouble piecing together how this is relevant at all to our current activities.

“I- what?” My brows deepen and I visibly start to shake, “I’m hoppin’ out. This is too cold for me.” I start when he interrupts me with an impatient glare.

He floats closer to me, standing up to meet me chest to chest. His blue eyes hold mine as he places a wet palm on my chest, just above my heart. I stay silent, rigid in my stance as he breathes out; “As an angel, I have many powers. You and Sam have seen my abilities as a warrior many times.” He pauses as I nod; “But Angel Grace is more than just a weapon or a healing tool.” 

His eye brows furrow slightly and I feel a sudden warmth flood my body. It starts off as a gentle tingle, spreading out to the tips of my fingers and toes and I can no longer feel the cold. A smile spreads across my lips, “Woah, that’s awesome.” 

“A useless ability really but when I used to spend lots of time in cold climates when keeping watch over humans, I had to get creative with how I stayed warm.” He murmurs. He holds my gaze and I open my mouth to say something; anything but it’s like my mind has flatlined. 

“Although perhaps we should hop out, temperature I can control but the sun I cannot.” He turns his head to look out at the slithers of sun that peak through the clouds as it sets into the horizon. I nod dumbly, pulling back without thinking and the grace snaps and a rush of cold floods my senses. 

I swear and Cas just laughs as he watches me stumble from the water and awkwardly bundles up my sandy clothes. I make my way to the Impala where I fish out two towels and passes one to the grinning angel.

“Perhaps the beach is as good as I thought it would be.” He comments slyly and I shoot him a glare, “Shu’ddup.” 

I pat myself down, trying not to stare as he pulls his clothes on. When the warmth of my jacket finally stops my shaking, I brush my fingers through my hair to smooth it out.

“One more stop and then we can go home, Cas.” I tell him, a mischievous smile crawling over my lips.   
“Really? Where are we going?” He asks as we both slide back into the car.   
“Psh, it’s a surprise.” 

He nods along, cranking the volume on the radio station as we pull out of the lot and heads to our next destination. The sun blurs out to darkness, the roads quiet as I turn my headlights on and drives the familiar path that Sammy and I would take once in a blue moon. 

I pull into a clearing and lets the engine die out along with the headlights. I grab a torch from the glove compartment, climbing out and heads around to the trunk. I pop it open, digging behind all the hunting gear for a familiar plastic bundle. 

“What are we doing here?” Cas’ voice is soft but he just appears behind me and I almost hit my head out of surprise as I jump, “Dammit Cas.” I growl lowly, “Grab the cooler out of the back seat.” He vanishes and I roll my eyes. 

I tuck the package under my jacket and closes the trunk as Cas gingerly places the cooler by the headlights. He settles on the hood, watching me curiously as I make my way to stand in front of him with a goofy smile. 

“Ta-Dah!” I proudly pull the fireworks that are tucked out of sight and his eyes light up. I wander a few hundred feet away, pulling off the wrapper and sets them into the ground. Digging around in my jacket pocket, I pull out a lighter and illuminates the starter. I stumble up, taking a few steps back as they periodically shoot up into the air and explodes into a multitude of colors. 

It takes me back to the days where Sam and I used to light up fireworks and just enjoy the show. Glancing over at the angel, with each explode of color his smile grows wider. 

The loud pop of fireworks fizzle to a crackled silence, the bright lights that once lit up into a beautiful display fall away to blackness. It reveals a rather clear night, the stars dotting the sky in a hypnotic pattern as the moon blesses us with just enough light to be able to see each other through the darkness.

I join him on the hood of Baby, leaning back against her windshield as I let out a relieved sigh. It had been months since we had the opportunity to simply live in the moment and take a breath. Hunt after hunt, there was never any time to come out here to the familiar clearing to just talk about nothing and drink beers ‘till sunrise. 

I reach down to the small cooler that is settled just by my right ankle, popping the lid and scoops out a small, smoothed box that is balanced perfectly on top of the cluster of beers and ice. Popping open the lid, it reveals a neatly decorated cake with the cursive; _Happy Birthday Cas._

The look on his face is utterly priceless. A mix between shock and gratitude, his soft lips parted speechlessly as he searches for something to say. His eyes soften and even through the shroud darkness, I knew everything he needed to say without him having to breath a word of it. 

I silently pass him the cake, a quirked smile on my lips as I dig around in my jacket pocket. Gently brushing his sneaking fingers away from the cake, I push a bunch of mismatched candles into the creamy frosting. Taking my lighter, I light each candle individually and keeps my eyes level with his. His face glows, not only in the candlelight but in sheer excitement. Much like a small child. 

“Alright, as a human tradition, you make a wish and blow the candles out.” I tell him and he shoots me a rather sassy look, very familiarly like Sam's.   
“Dean, I know this custom. It’s been around for many years.” He tells me and I wave him off. Regardless if he knew it or not, I feel a sense of pride at being able to educate him on human customs.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He holds it momentarily, nose crinkling ever so slightly in the way he does in thought before blowing out the candles. I grin, clapping his shoulder and even through the darkness I could see the outline of his contagious smile.

“So, what did you wish for?” I ask, nudging him playfully as I take the cake from his hands. I sneak a bit of icing, scooping it onto my finger.   
“I can’t tell you that. If I do, doesn’t that mean it won’t come true?” He quips, his frosted blue eyes meeting mine.   
“Come on, I won’t tell anyone.” I lick the icing off the tip of my finger before going for a second dip.   
“You.”   
“Me what?” I ask, digging deep into the vanilla frosting and he catches my hand. I watch, my eyes growing wide as he pulls my hand towards his lips; his tongue darting out over my finger, sucking off the icing as he keeps his gaze steady.   
“You are my wish, Dean Winchester.” He leans closer, dropping my hand and grabs the collar of my flannel shirt. Closing the gap between us, his lips brush against mine in the most intimate way. The cake now entirely forgotten, I gently push it from my lap. 

I always imagined that the first time I kissed Cas it would be messy; passionate and unsure. This is certainly what I wasn’t expecting.

Instead, the kiss is firm; dominant. So slow and calculated. Like he has been thinking about this for so long that he has mapped out every moment. Every breath. Every touch. The warmth of his breath, the sweetness of the frosting and the pounding in my ears is almost deafening. 

_And that_ _is absolutely terrifying to_ _me._

How can he be so sure that this is what he wants? _He-_

I feel his fingers gently brush up over my shoulders, his fingertips dancing up over the skin on my neck. My heart is pounding in my ears but not in the way I dreamed it would. It felt so good, so right for once in my life but-

_I’m scared._

Placing my hands on his chest, I gently break the intimate kiss. I could feel the vulnerability of the moment, the thick tension between us as he pants softly. I am met with a confused Cas, parted, swollen lips and a look in his eyes that twisted my very core. The look on his face contorts to absolute rejection.

“Cas-”   
“Don’t. I’ll meet you at home.” Before I could even let out another syllable, he is gone. The entire night is ruined because of my idiocrasy. I run my hands down over my face, gritting my own teeth as I slide off of the hood of the Impala. I let out a frustrated yell at nothing, the anger welling up inside my stomach and boiling to the surface. I grab the cooler of beer and throws it, next taking the smooshed cake and slams it to the grass. 

I stand there panting, alone in the darkness. The anger slips from my veins, my blood running cold as I feel reality sets in like a punch in the gut. 

_I ruined it. I ruin everything._


	9. Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually update every sunday but I am currently helping my partner get ready to move to Germany so emotions are high and I will update when I can :) 
> 
> Its a short chapter but I hope it gives you a bit more insight to Gabriel. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Please note that this chapter does contain a visual panic attack. It's quite descriptive so please keep that in mind. Thank you. 
> 
> The song that inspired this chapter is: I found by Amber Run ♡
> 
> Enjoy :D

***Sams POV***

I was startled awake. Blearily squinting through the darkness, I try to gather my bearings as I wiggle out of my twisted blankets. My eyes immediately dart to her bed where Gabby is sitting straight up, and she isn’t crying; she is _sobbing._

Heart-wrenching, broken sobs. 

It feels so much different than the night before. I could wipe away those tears and hold her close. But these are so intense I could feel fear radiating from her body as she curls into her pillow. I am so stunned that it takes me a moment to react. I am in complete shock; my heart drops and I feel my blood run cold. 

“Gabby?” I stumble out of my tangled sheets, blindly making my way towards her bed as she curls up defensively into a ball. 

“Gabe-” I reach forward to bundle her into my arms but she flinches, shoving away my attempts. Her breath quickens, her body visibly shaking as she squeezes her eyes shut. She is in absolute panic and pure despair. Despite the blanket of darkness, I could make out her pained expression. 

It takes me a moment but it all clicks into place like a messy puzzle. _She’s having a panic attack._

I hadn’t ever experienced it myself but as my mind flicks through my fading memories of my psychology class when I was at Stanford, I do my best to come up with my best course of action. _Don’t touch her._ Check. Ok, _Water._ I make my way quickly through the room blindly, letting out a grunt as I run into the kitchen island. As silently as possible, I pull down a glass and fills it to the brim with water. 

I make my way back, placing the cup down on her night stand. She is shaking too much to hold it. _Alright, ok. How can I calm her?_ I can’t touch her without scaring her more. Perhaps if I could get her to focus on me, I could get her to calm down. 

_Audio sensory._ The thought pops into my head like a lightbulb. That’s right, sometimes anxiety can be soothed with audio. The thing is, with my phone dead and no earbuds I had nothing for her to listen to. 

_My voice._

My heart drops as I let out a gentle sigh. I needed her to focus on something other than her pain no matter how bad my singing voice is. Talking and trying to calm her might make it worse, but singing softly might be the best distraction. 

I take a deep breath, telling myself not to be a child and just _help her;_

_I'll use you as a warning sign_   
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

It is the first song that comes to mind. The melody is soft and catchy, the words soothing and deep. It had been on the top of my playlist for a while. Although she is still sobbing, she peels herself out of her tight ball to look at me. With puffy eyes and her pillow in a death grip, she is shakily tries to soothe herself. 

  
_And I'll use you as a focal point_   
_So_ _I don't lose sight of what I want_

I keep my eyes locked with hers, my voice slow and quiet. I stop singing momentarily and takes a deep breath, gesturing for her to do the same. She takes in a shuddered breath, trying to repress her soft whines. With tears still streaming down her face, I could tell she is doing her best to calm down. 

  
_And I've moved further than I thought I could_   
_But I missed you more than I thought I would_

She continues visible, deep breathes as I sing softly. I could see the anxiety slipping from her as she watches me. 

  
_And I'll use you as a warning sign_   
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

She rubs her too-long sleeve over her eyes, trying to get rid of her cascade of tears. Although the grip on the pillow hasn’t loosened, she has stopped shaking. I hold out my hand for her and leaves it on the mattress so she can take it whenever she is ready. 

_And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_   
_Right in front of me_   
_Talk some sense to me_

She reaches forward and slips her hand weakly into mine. No words are exchanged but as she gently squeezes my hand, I feel her overwhelming sense of gratitude. 

“Keep breathing.” I tell her, my voice soft as she nods. We breath together, deep breath in; longer one out. I keep my distance, wanting her to only come to me if she needs the comfort. Leaning over, I pick up the full glass and she takes it gratefully. Gulping down a few mouthfuls, she lets out a recovering, shaky breath. 

“Can you keep going?” She asks softly, voice edged with such pain and sadness. I couldn’t help to oblige. 

_And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_   
_Right in front of me_   
_Talk some sense to me_

_And I'll use you as a makeshift gauge_   
_Of how much to give and how much to take_   
_I'll use you as a warning sign_   
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your min_ _d_

She shuffles closer, curling against my side and rests her head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around her, my hand threading through her messy hair and my fingers run circles on her scalp soothingly. I feel her body go limp, peering down at her as I watch her eyes grow heavy. 

“I’m sorry.” She slurs out and I shake my head. Keeping her in my arms, I can feel her body slump against mine and her breathing evens out from cautious, shallow breathes to deeper, more natural ones. I stay where I am, my fingers sliding from her matted hair to gently brush over her sweaty neck. I push the hair aside to help her cool down before dropping my hand to rub small circles on her back. Resting my cheek atop her head, I listen to the soft sounds of her breathing as I lull her gently, swaying a little side to side. 

_How many nights has she spent going through this alone?_ My brows furrow, hugging her protectively against me. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like. It was scary for me to watch but to actually _feel_ it must be an entirely different experience. 

I felt so helpless in the moment. 

Taking her blanket, I gently pry her from my side and lays her down. I gently tuck her in and as I’m about to move back to my bed, her hand stretches out and takes mine. 

“Where are you going?” She mumbles sleepily, her eyes fighting to stay open as she looks up at me.   
“Back to my bed.” I breath out, giving her hand a soft squeeze of reassurance. She pushes the blanket aside, weakly pulling me to join her.   
“Stay with me.” She murmurs softly. 

I hesitate momentarily but after a slither of self-doubt, I climb into the bed next to her. I curl her small frame closer and I wrap my body around hers. She sleepily hums, her hands grappling at the front of my shirt as she nuzzles into my neck. 

It has been such a long time since I had slept with someone beside me. I hold her close, my nose buried into her mess of hair to inhale her natural scent of sweet honey. 

I don’t know how much time has passed until I fell asleep, but when I finally did it was the deepest, calmest sleep I had had in a long time. I am woken by her gentle stirring and the slithers of light between the slates of the cheap motel blinds unforgivingly shining against my closed lids. 

I groggily pry my eyes awake, one arm still wrapped around her as I use my free hand to wipe away the sleep from my eyes. 

“Sam?” She murmurs softly and I turn my head to find her looking up at me through red-rimmed eyes. I give her a tight smile, brushing my palm gently over her cheek. 

“Hey.” My voice is soft, careful with each word, “How are you feeling?”   
“Better.” Her voice is hoarse, probably still a little raw from the previous night.   
“Do you,” I hesitate, before forcing myself to continue, “want to talk about last night?” 

She lets out a long breath like she has been holding it in waiting for me to ask the inevitable. 

“Gabby, how long have you been having panic attacks?”   
“Like that one?” She seems to contemplate her answer, her fingers tightening on the fabric of my shirt as if she is afraid I will disappear, “Since the hospital. It’s very rare it gets that bad, its been a long time since an attack like that-” She knaws on her bottom lip, “I-” She stops, closing her eyes and leveling her breathing. 

I wait for her to continue, my fingers sliding along her spine slowly in the hopes it brings her comfort. I feel her body relax under my fingertips; “When it was at it’s worst, I was scared to sleep. That seemed to be the trigger, I would go days without it if I could. I was so scared, and so alone.” Her brows furrow, her honey colored eyes growing a little glassy, “I would spend the night with strangers to feel grounded. I just... couldn’t be alone.” 

She looks at me as if she waits for the judgement but I remain silent; I understood. She had been searching for a way to feel better and I don’t blame her for that. 

“I tried to do some research on it but there is so much on the topic, so much speculation. I tried to ignore it but-” She seems to lose her train of thought, pressing her palms flat on my chest and pushes away gently. She sits up, her sweater hanging loosely off her shoulder as she tries to smooth down her bed-head. 

“Sam.” Her voice is firm, eyes refusing to meet mine as she turns her head to look out the window, “You didn’t sign up for this. You wanted a fun adventure with a girl and instead I lumped you in to my total mess of a life. I’m sure you don’t want to have another thing to worry about.” She finally looks at me, her eyes unreadable and jaw set; “I can drive you home. Or to a bus station. I totally understand if you don’t want to stay.” 

Her words hit me like a bullet, my heart constricting in my chest. _Is this what she is used to? People just leaving when things get tough?_ There is something about her. Underneath all that pain and sorrow, there is someone worth knowing. 

She isn’t Gabriel. She is her own person. She is strong and resourceful. And I want to help her. There is something about her that makes me want to stick around. It’s no longer because she reminds me of who I lost, It’s because she makes me feel _something._ Or maybe I’m just soft for lost souls like my own. 

“Gabby.” I reach for her hand, lacing my fingers with hers, “We all come with baggage. Your pain isn’t enough to scare me off. I am not going anywhere, I will help you get through it, I promise.” I meet her eyeline, a reassuring smile on my lips as she watches me cautiously. 

Her free hand moves up to gently brush over my cheekbones, her brows furrowing as if she is trying to read my thoughts; “Ever since I met you in that bar, I have known that you are someone special, Sam.” 

I feel something stir in my lower stomach, warmth flooding through my veins and flushes against my cheeks. 

“You are just saying that.” I murmur and she slides her hand to rest over my heart. I feel a sudden surge of affection for her, my face softening as I realize that her words weren’t just for my amusement, but genuine. 

She lays back down beside me, leaving no space between us. We don’t say another word, we don’t need to. It’s all hanging in the air above us; the acceptance, the grief and the loss. She drops her hand to settle on my neck, her fingers sliding over my skin and I let my eyelids flutter shut. 

The pads of her fingers trace mindlessly over my sensitive skin, a feeling of domestic affection washing over me. They were mindless patterns, but enough to have me sigh in bliss. 

“Gabby?” I murmur softly, cracking my eyes open just a touch to meet her golden gaze, “What shall we do today?” I ask, slipping my free hand down to tangle with her own. 

She takes a moment to answer and I just bathe in her presence. This was intimate on a spiritual level. Not sex, not the physical reassurance I was used to but something I wanted. I could honesty stay curled up next to her in bed all day. 

As if reading my mind, a smile plays on her lips; “As much as I would love to stay here all day, I promised you a fun trip.” 

“Gabby...” My voice is soft as I reach up and brushes a strand of curled hair from her cheek, “We, well for certain I am, completely exhausted. It’s nice to just take a day. There is always tomorrow.” I tell her and I could tell she visibly relaxes. 

“If you-” 

“Gabriel. It’s fine. Let’s just spend the day here.” I murmur, leaning forward and presses a soft kiss to her forehead. 

“Ok.” She squeezes my hand gratefully, leaning forward and presses her forehead against my chest. Letting out a gentle sigh, I could feel her whole body relax as if she is trying to sleep. I make myself comfortable, brushing the tip of my nose along her scalp. 

“Would you like me to sing for you?” I ask, my voice soft and I can imagine her smile as she wiggles a little deeper. 

“If you wouldn’t mind...” She breathes out. 


	10. Chapter 10 - Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being rejected on his birthday, Cas soughts comfort elsewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! Be warned that this is an angsty chapter. I update every sunday :) To see what else I'm working on feel free to follow me on tumblr @sweetteamultifandom.

*Castiel POV*

I didn’t know where to go. The bunker was where he would be, or the roadhouse. I couldn’t bear to see him yet. The sting of rejection was draped over me like a constricting blanket. I was _tired._ Tired of fighting him, tired of pushing for him to reciprocate my feelings. I love him, but there comes a point where I need to let go. 

The bar is packed all around me. Flurries of people coming and going; laughing and joyous, flirty and sensual. But here I was, all alone at a corner table in the shadows. My tie loose, jacket sleeves pushed up around my elbows as I stare emptily into my beer bottle. Perhaps this wasn’t a good idea after all.

Coming here all by myself in the hopes of distracting myself from my feelings. With Sam absent, I have no one to talk to. I gently roll the bottle neck between my fingers, loving the smooth feeling of glass between my fingertips. It is a soothing habit I have developed over the years. 

People came in and out of my view, asking to buy me drinks but I brush them off. None of them give me that chemical rush, that feeling of comfort I crave. I let out a low sigh. Maybe this really was a mistake. I am absolutely pathetic. Soughting comfort from a stranger as I couldn’t get it from the one person I ached for. 

_A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather._   
_I was_ _prayin_ _that you and me might end up together._   
_It’s like_ _wishin_ _for rain as I stand in the desert._   
_But I'm_ _holdin_ _you closer than most,_ _cause_ _you are my heaven._

 _This song._ I look up and spot a man seated a few meters away on a small platform, a guitar settled on his knee as he began to sing. His voice is something to admire, smooth and melodic, almost _angelic_ in nature. I could feel it resonating with me. The words, the softness of the strings reverberating. I stare in awe, my focus not breaking from him for even a minute. _How is it possible that he read my mind and began such a song?_ So perfectly timed.

 _I don't_ _wanna_ _waste the weekend_   
_If you don't love me, pretend_   
_A few more hours then it's time to go_   
_And as my train rolls down the east coast_   
_I wonder how you keep warm_   
_It's too late to cry_   
_Too broken to move on_   
_And still I can't let you be_   
_Most nights I hardly sleep_   
_Don't take what you don't need from me_

I have never felt such a deep connection with music before but this was a whole new experience, a new emotion. I could feel my soul breaking down the center, cracks forming along the delicate binding. The pain and sorrow in his voice as he sings destroys my shattered heart and I feel the lyrics etching into my mind. In that moment it felt like the song is written for me. 

_It's just a drop in the ocean_   
_A change in the weather_   
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_   
_Its_ _like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_   
_But I'm holding you closer than most_ _'cause_ _you are my heaven_

His eyes finally meet mine. Almost black, soft brown flecks crowding the iris but completely blending in such a hypnotic way. His long fingers caress the strings professionally, callused fingertips dancing effortlessly from years of training. Tawny hair falls over his face despite mostly being pulled back into a bun. This man is beautiful, a lot softer than Dean. He is the complete opposite. Feminine, gentle and soulful. His narrow eyes flick down momentarily as if he is really just putting on a show for me as his long lashes flutter delicately. 

_Misplaced trust and old friends_   
_Never counting regrets_   
_By the grace of_ _God_ _I do not rest at all._

 _And New England as the leaves change_   
_The last excuse that I'll claim_   
_I was a boy who loved a_ _man_ _like a little boy._

 _And still I_ _cant_ _let you be_   
_Most nights I hardly sleep_   
_Don't take what you don't need from me._

I feel the tears form in my eyes and I break eye contact, dragging my gaze back down to the glass bottle that is nestled in my hands. I give it a squeeze in the hopes it would help remove the pain but it lingers as the song continues. I could still feel his warm gaze on me, my heartstrings being tugged along unwillingly by his voice. 

_It's just a drop in the ocean_   
_A change in the weather_   
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_   
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_   
_But I'm holding you closer than most_ _'cause_ _you are my_

 _Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore, no_ _no_   
_Heaven doesn't seem far away_   
_Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore, no_ _no_   
_Heaven doesn't seem far away, oh_ _oh_

 _A drop in the ocean_   
_A change in the weather_   
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_   
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_   
_But I'm holding you closer than most_ _'cause_ _you are my heaven_   
_You are my heaven._

His voice trails off but the song continues, his fingers strumming a few remaining notes before falling silent. There was no applause, not even a peep from the audience. People continue on with their own business and he places the guitar down. He stands without a word, unplugging the speaker.

He doesn’t look like a local, not with his form fitting jeans and loose tank top, donned with a leather jacket. Despite his rather masculine clothing, he still holds such a petite and feminine way about him. 

His eyes once again meet mine, this time the contact remaining unbroken as he makes his way over to my table. He slides into the seat across from mine, remaining quiet as he looks over me as if studying my heart and soul. 

“Hello.” His voice was soft, holding a thick south Korean accent. It had slipped away when he was singing but I suppose now it was only natural to return. Songs could be practiced, accents can be whisked away with enough training.   
“If you like, we can speak in Korean if that makes you more comfortable.” I tell him. One of the few perks of being an angel was being able to speak all languages. 

“Really?” He seems quite surprised, brushing his hand over his lips to cover his delicate smile, “I would like that, thank you.” He bows his head ever so slightly in thanks.

I shoot him back a short smile, my eyes dropping down to observe my hands. I felt increasingly nervous now that I was talking to him up close. _This feeling of affection. I hadn’t ever felt it for an_ _y other than Dean_ _before. But this one, he seems to understand my pain without even knowing me._

“I’m guessing you aren’t from around here.” He states and my eyes crease a little in the corners.   
“No.” I shake my head.   
“And you don’t know who I am?” He seems a little enthralled about it as I look up at him with confusion.   
Should I?”   
“I suppose not. You can call me Lee.”   
“Cas.”   
“Cas? Interesting name.”

Although it is just small talk, I feel increasingly nervous. _I have no reason to be, I was simply talking to a stranger._ But I realize that wasn’t it. _I was talking to a beautiful stranger. One I found attractive._

“My singing, you were really the only one who heard it.” He comments, his fingers brushing over the table top.   
“Everyone heard it.” I respond bluntly. Unsure what he could mean, tilting my head a little to the side and he clarifies a little further.   
“No. They listened. I was background noise. But you, you heard the words. The melody. The emotion. That means a lot to me.”   
“Oh.” 

I stay silent momentarily before continuing, “Did you write that yourself?” I ask.   
“No. But it is one of my favorite songs to sing, it harbors such a powerful message, don’t you agree?” He looks up at me through dark lashes, “Hey, I have got to run or I will be late but uh-” He quirks a small smile, pulling a pen from god knows where. 

He gestures towards my hand and I look at him, quite confused. He laughs, eyes crinkling as I feel my heart leap up in my throat. _So damn cute._ I could hear myself cooing in my head. He takes a hold of my hand and scribbles down some numbers. 

“Im going to be here for another month or so before I head back to Korea. So call me, yeah? I would love to hear more about you, Cas.” With that, he slips away into the crowds of people, turning back once to give me an all-knowing smile. _He flirted with me. Directly._ I couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corner of my lips. 

***

I slip into the bunker, the warm thrill of the turn of events still stirring within me. I couldn’t help the small smile that tugs at my lips as I pull my coat a little tighter and works my way through the dark hallway with ease. 

The night is dead quiet, but I hear him well before the light flicks on. The slight fumble in his step and the strong smell of beer and sweat. I hold my breath, taking a moment to brace myself before turning to face the hunter.

His clothes are still rumpled, a look of anger flashes across his features for who knows what reason. 

“Where have you been?” His misdirected words pelt at me, laced with fury.

“Out, Dean.” I respond, my voice calm as I let out a long breath, “I’m tired and I just want to go lay down.” 

“You can’t just disappear like that!” He snaps, drawing a few steps closer.

“Dean-” I try to interlude but he cuts me off. “Sam is off god-knows-where and I am supposed to be here-” He starts his spiel and I _snap._

“Listen to me!” I snatch the beer bottle from his hand, glowering with anger. _How dare he be upset? He wasn’t the one who was just rejected on his birthday._

“If you want to act like a child, I will treat you like one.” I glower; staring him down, “When you are sober and actually wanting to talk to me instead of snapping at me, You know where to find me.” I shove the glass bottle back towards him and he seems to get rallied up again only to let out a long puff of air like a deflated balloon. 

I storm up to my room, making it clear that I no longer had the intention to talk as I slam the heavy metal door with a loud _bang._

_**_ *

Breakfast the next morning is laced with tension and unsaid words. I hide behind the box of cereal, my bowl full as I gently brush my spoon over the chocolate pieces. Dean is hunched over his omelets, eyes downcast and curled into a thick mix of shame and regret, shaken up by a hangover. 

He barely said two words when he sat down, know obviously mulling over what to say as he takes a few breathes but to no avail. I must have been sitting there for well over an hour when I give in. Taking a hold of my untouched food, I drop the contents into the sink and places the bowl aside.

“Cas-” The moment my name leaves his lips I draw in a ragged breath. I can’t keep coddling him. I want to be happy, and feel loved but with his broken idea of what it should be I couldn’t stand to hear another word. 

“Dean, it’s fine.” I respond, my voice firm. It is the truth, despite it’s obvious intent to begin with. 

“But-”

“No. I get it. You don’t feel the same way. I understand.” I nod, meeting his confused gaze, “We are friends and I would like to remain that way. It’s better if we never talk about it.” I respond, glad that the humans’ at least got one thing right. They are better at simply sweeping things under the rug than confronting others and at this point, I was so tired that I was entirely ok with that. 

“I-”

“ _Please.”_ I reiterate, just wanting to move past it and return to our normal lives. 

He nods and with a final glance, I disappear from the room to get ready for the day. 

***

*Dean POV*

_Cas is acting different._ I stare at him across the stretch of the library, furiously gnawing on the end of my pen as I watch him smile at his mobile screen. That isn’t his cat smile. I know the exact way his eyes would crinkle when he saw a kitten bating at some string or doing something ridiculous on YouTube. This is a different smile. One that made me feel all kinds of jealous. _What the hell is he doing?_

He must have finally noticed my intense glare as his blue eyes innocently look up from the glowing screen, that dumb smile still on his face. “Yes Dean?” 

“Nufin.” I grumble around the pen before redirecting my attention back to the book I had laying open. I couldn’t focus, my eyes glazing over as I stare a little too hard at the pages. 

“You can eat without me tonight.” He comments with ease and my gaze shifts back to look at him suspiciously.   
“Why?” I inquire, closing my book firmly and I lace my fingers together, settling my forearms on top of the book.   
“I’m,” He pauses for a moment, dragging his eyes back down to his phone. “Going out on a date.” He rushes out and I almost choke on my own tongue.   
“With who?   
“You don’t know them Dean.”   
“Well if I don’t know them...then how?” I try to think back, a crease forming between my brows as I try to piece it together. Then it clicks. Last night.   
“I met them when I went out for a drink.” He states matter-of-factly.   
“How do you know that they aren’t using you? Or going to hurt you?” I fire out insensitive questions that earns me a glare.   
“Well that’s my business isn’t it?” He snaps back.   
“It is all our business if you start dating a demon.”

“Dean.” His voice is firm and when I meet his eyes, it conveys all his emotion with ease. He is right, as always. I have no right to get angry after the way I rejected him yesterday.

But that didn’t stop me from wanting to throw his phone out the window and lock his feathery ass up in his room till the end of time.

“Don’t ruin our friendship.” His voice softens and I feel that knot in my stomach twist tighter. 

“Right, sorry.” I breath out. _How could I have been so stupid?_ I need longer to figure my feelings out. I couldn’t be selfish and expect him to wait until I was.   
“So, when he comes to pick me up later, be nice.” With the finality of his words, he slips from the library and heads back to his room. I almost splutter out a response only to be met with silence. _Fuck._


End file.
